I have an anchor. A person who calms my heartbeat with his every inhale and exhale. Make no mistake, he's still breathing, and my heart's still beating... we are just countless miles apart.
Right in front of me is the epitome of me. She's supposed to be us, and I see mostly him when I look at her...ears, nose and eye color, long limbs...Those things come from him. But her every word and her over active mind, her logic somehow has been derived from me. Inside me lives our next one, our boy baby, the baby kangaroo. And as much as I love my baby girl, as much pride as I have in my personality and therefore hers...I desperately hope that this next baby isn't like me.
Except that sounds so harsh.
The truth of the matter is that I really wouldn't mind another baby who pops out with my personality...As long as I have an anchor around to hold my own personality in check. Because what he does to my heartbeat, he does for our children as well.
Harmony can exist.
Without that anchor I can become mean. Worse, I can become bitter. Depression and anxiety can threaten to roll in and out almost like clockwork, if I were to allow it.
We're in a strange place, my anchor and I. We're apart geographically...there's no doubting that. And we both suffer for it. But we're on the same page: In love, in dreams, in hope. And we both suffer for that as well.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Peanut Butter
It started with the occasional Nutrageous or Whatchamacallit candy bar.. Not such a big deal as those are 2 of my favorite candy bars any way.. so every couple days I'd buy one and eat half or a third of one at night time after the child had been put to bed.
Then the weather got hot...and I have no air conditioning.. so any chocolate in my house would melt. Yes, my house was really that hot. Sad day. However, in this family, we often put chocolate in the freezer..because it's better that way, duh. So.. you can't really put a Nutrageous or Whatchamacallit into the freezer. Caramel or rice crispy parts of candy bars don't freeze so well..well, they do, but then I'd be breaking my teeth trying to eat. So..enter Reece's pieces. A big ass box lasts at least a week.. better yet, the regular Reece's. One a night. Occasionally two. Frozen..they are DELICIOUS.
Today is officially the start of Autumn. Thank you Jesus. So..I don't really need frozen candy any more to get me through hot nights. I need apple-cinnamon tea and yummy toast. Peanut butter toast. And at breakfast time...I need apples (because since I've hit the 3rd trimester, I apparently want fruit) covered in peanut butter.
I am not really a peanut butter person. Nutella, yes. Chocolate, yes. Crackers and cheese, yes. Wine, yes. Peanut butter... no. Not so much.
So, my eating peanut butter at least twice a day in some form, is just strange to me. Strange a lot.
With Auralia it was pancakes. I ate pancakes a couple times a week for a good trimester. Maybe longer. ...I very rarely eat pancakes now.
So..we are 10 weeks or less from baby being here. 69 days and counting. We are healthy and growing steadily. Not exercising enough due to an extremely complicated school schedule that will abate a little in the next week..so then exercising will start being a priority again.
Still don't know for sure whether or not baby will be delivered VBAC or C-section.. if I go into labor naturally then I'll pretty much decide right then and there what I feel like doing. Jer's leave hasn't been approved yet, but he should be here (in theory) a couple days before baby if baby can be patient.. I have my doubts about the patience of baby tho.. I just feel like he's going to come early.
We'll be planning a baby shower..probably the first weekend of November. So, that should be fun.
Auralia's now insisting that baby is a girl. And she compared me to an elephant a couple days ago.
The end.
Then the weather got hot...and I have no air conditioning.. so any chocolate in my house would melt. Yes, my house was really that hot. Sad day. However, in this family, we often put chocolate in the freezer..because it's better that way, duh. So.. you can't really put a Nutrageous or Whatchamacallit into the freezer. Caramel or rice crispy parts of candy bars don't freeze so well..well, they do, but then I'd be breaking my teeth trying to eat. So..enter Reece's pieces. A big ass box lasts at least a week.. better yet, the regular Reece's. One a night. Occasionally two. Frozen..they are DELICIOUS.
Today is officially the start of Autumn. Thank you Jesus. So..I don't really need frozen candy any more to get me through hot nights. I need apple-cinnamon tea and yummy toast. Peanut butter toast. And at breakfast time...I need apples (because since I've hit the 3rd trimester, I apparently want fruit) covered in peanut butter.
I am not really a peanut butter person. Nutella, yes. Chocolate, yes. Crackers and cheese, yes. Wine, yes. Peanut butter... no. Not so much.
So, my eating peanut butter at least twice a day in some form, is just strange to me. Strange a lot.
With Auralia it was pancakes. I ate pancakes a couple times a week for a good trimester. Maybe longer. ...I very rarely eat pancakes now.
So..we are 10 weeks or less from baby being here. 69 days and counting. We are healthy and growing steadily. Not exercising enough due to an extremely complicated school schedule that will abate a little in the next week..so then exercising will start being a priority again.
Still don't know for sure whether or not baby will be delivered VBAC or C-section.. if I go into labor naturally then I'll pretty much decide right then and there what I feel like doing. Jer's leave hasn't been approved yet, but he should be here (in theory) a couple days before baby if baby can be patient.. I have my doubts about the patience of baby tho.. I just feel like he's going to come early.
We'll be planning a baby shower..probably the first weekend of November. So, that should be fun.
Auralia's now insisting that baby is a girl. And she compared me to an elephant a couple days ago.
The end.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Need New Hair
..it's just that time of year I think. Around fall/start of school season/mornings are getting colder that I really want to do something different with my hair. Don't get me wrong, there are some times that I like my hair this long and I can convince myself to keep letting it grow.. But the urge to cut it this time just keeps nagging me. So don't be surprised if I whack it all off in the next month or 2.
So.. Almost 25 weeks and going strong. 2nd trimester has gone way faster than first.. thank you Jesus. Baby is doing well, he's a lot more violent than Auralia was, but we are on schedule and all that fun stuff. I have a pinched nerve in my hip that is basically killing me.. but hopefully some physical therapy, massage, warm baths in the future will help it out.
Today at my doctor's appointment we officially set a c-section date. If I don't go into labor by November 30th, then that will be baby's birthday. Jer will be taking leave for about a month during this time and if all goes as planned he'll have a few days with just Auralia and I before new baby's eviction, and then a few weeks with us while I heal from the c-section. If, IF, I go into labor before the 30th, then it's still up in the air on whether or not I'll attempt to do a VBAC.. I'm allowed, my doctor doesn't care either way (I love her) so we'll just decide when that times comes.
I drag my feet on that decision.. Because if I have another csection..there's a good chance that this'll be our last child. And I don't particulary know if I want this to be our last child yet. My limit's 3 for sure...but we'll see.
Um..week 3 of school has started today.. so far so good. Midterms next week. Although most of the time I think that the idea of going back to school right now was pretty idiotic. And I think every one that supported that decision was idiotic with me. My laptop has died, my financial aid doesn't come in for awhile, I'm paying for a little bit of daycare out of my own pocket, and I still feel overwhelmed. And hungry.
I'm mostly missing Jer unbelievably this time around. That frustrates me in itself.
So.. Almost 25 weeks and going strong. 2nd trimester has gone way faster than first.. thank you Jesus. Baby is doing well, he's a lot more violent than Auralia was, but we are on schedule and all that fun stuff. I have a pinched nerve in my hip that is basically killing me.. but hopefully some physical therapy, massage, warm baths in the future will help it out.
Today at my doctor's appointment we officially set a c-section date. If I don't go into labor by November 30th, then that will be baby's birthday. Jer will be taking leave for about a month during this time and if all goes as planned he'll have a few days with just Auralia and I before new baby's eviction, and then a few weeks with us while I heal from the c-section. If, IF, I go into labor before the 30th, then it's still up in the air on whether or not I'll attempt to do a VBAC.. I'm allowed, my doctor doesn't care either way (I love her) so we'll just decide when that times comes.
I drag my feet on that decision.. Because if I have another csection..there's a good chance that this'll be our last child. And I don't particulary know if I want this to be our last child yet. My limit's 3 for sure...but we'll see.
Um..week 3 of school has started today.. so far so good. Midterms next week. Although most of the time I think that the idea of going back to school right now was pretty idiotic. And I think every one that supported that decision was idiotic with me. My laptop has died, my financial aid doesn't come in for awhile, I'm paying for a little bit of daycare out of my own pocket, and I still feel overwhelmed. And hungry.
I'm mostly missing Jer unbelievably this time around. That frustrates me in itself.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Blog. Blah.. Here let me throw this on you.
To-be-baby and I have made it to 18 weeks.
2nd pregnancies are kinda cooler than the first.. for the most part you know what to expect. And (at least with me) I felt this one move early early on, and it's only progressed to actual kicks the last couple days.
Still haven't decided on a repeat C-section or a VBAC. It's a hard, hard decision.
I feel..blah the last couple of days. Not blah with the pregnancy, but blah with everything else. We've had some more issues with military stuff come up..and this time around..I can't even find my mad. Not that I expected something of this magnitude to happen, but still.. after being screwed with for the past 4 years, not much surprises me. This one did. But.. my mad is just not there.
Sometimes I feel like we're being deliberately screwed.
Sometimes I feel like it's our fault. Maybe we are not patriotic enough...maybe we're not thankful enough...maybe our timing is just wrong.
Sometimes I feel like I'm an obligation. No..never mind. Let's be honest. Most of the time, back home, I feel like an obligation.
I've let people make me feel like an obligation. Which has hurt me, more than just my pride, a lot in the past few weeks.
I know I'm not much fun. I have completely no money (no really, none) I very rarely have a babysitter for more than an hour, the better half of me is more than halfway across the world, and I'm pregnant which means no drinking and/or being hot for the time being. Oh..and I have a two year old that I think may actually be purposely trying to drive me mad.
I think part of it may be that people like answers. And I have no answers. When is he going to visit? I dunno. Sometime. When will you know? Eventually. Really close to the time where I go pick him up from the airport. When will he get paid? Um.. well, eventually they'll figure it out. Does he still have to work? (ya..this was an actual question) ...Yes, he has to work. Even if he doesn't get paid..Will he be here when the baby's born? Hopefully. Where do you go next? No idea. When will you be leaving again? See last answer..and add around next spring.
I DON'T KNOW pretty much sums it up.
I understand that a big part of my life seems like it's on hold. And some of it really is on hold. Except that..even while waiting, life goes on. Hope is a choice. And I'm always hoping for answers. And while I'm waiting for one part of my life, I expect all the other parts to keep moving. My pregnancy's progressing while a lot of my friendships are stalling. My child's learning and growing and expanding in every way possible while I feel as tho I'm becoming a hermit. My education is progressing regardless of everything. And I miss my husband badly enough that I consider moving to Korea, right this minute, about twice a week.
I don't like when people look towards us with sympathy.. Because sympathy isn't what I need or want. And I can't get much understanding because that's hard to come by surrounded by civilians. But friendship is always warranted, and friendship feels a whole lot better than the feeling of being an obligation.
2nd pregnancies are kinda cooler than the first.. for the most part you know what to expect. And (at least with me) I felt this one move early early on, and it's only progressed to actual kicks the last couple days.
Still haven't decided on a repeat C-section or a VBAC. It's a hard, hard decision.
I feel..blah the last couple of days. Not blah with the pregnancy, but blah with everything else. We've had some more issues with military stuff come up..and this time around..I can't even find my mad. Not that I expected something of this magnitude to happen, but still.. after being screwed with for the past 4 years, not much surprises me. This one did. But.. my mad is just not there.
Sometimes I feel like we're being deliberately screwed.
Sometimes I feel like it's our fault. Maybe we are not patriotic enough...maybe we're not thankful enough...maybe our timing is just wrong.
Sometimes I feel like I'm an obligation. No..never mind. Let's be honest. Most of the time, back home, I feel like an obligation.
I've let people make me feel like an obligation. Which has hurt me, more than just my pride, a lot in the past few weeks.
I know I'm not much fun. I have completely no money (no really, none) I very rarely have a babysitter for more than an hour, the better half of me is more than halfway across the world, and I'm pregnant which means no drinking and/or being hot for the time being. Oh..and I have a two year old that I think may actually be purposely trying to drive me mad.
I think part of it may be that people like answers. And I have no answers. When is he going to visit? I dunno. Sometime. When will you know? Eventually. Really close to the time where I go pick him up from the airport. When will he get paid? Um.. well, eventually they'll figure it out. Does he still have to work? (ya..this was an actual question) ...Yes, he has to work. Even if he doesn't get paid..Will he be here when the baby's born? Hopefully. Where do you go next? No idea. When will you be leaving again? See last answer..and add around next spring.
I DON'T KNOW pretty much sums it up.
I understand that a big part of my life seems like it's on hold. And some of it really is on hold. Except that..even while waiting, life goes on. Hope is a choice. And I'm always hoping for answers. And while I'm waiting for one part of my life, I expect all the other parts to keep moving. My pregnancy's progressing while a lot of my friendships are stalling. My child's learning and growing and expanding in every way possible while I feel as tho I'm becoming a hermit. My education is progressing regardless of everything. And I miss my husband badly enough that I consider moving to Korea, right this minute, about twice a week.
I don't like when people look towards us with sympathy.. Because sympathy isn't what I need or want. And I can't get much understanding because that's hard to come by surrounded by civilians. But friendship is always warranted, and friendship feels a whole lot better than the feeling of being an obligation.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Education Nation
I made the decision a couple weeks ago to transfer into a university. Finally. Instead of just taking classes that will some day go towards a degree, I would actually really pursue a degree. A career. ...ok, not so much a career but a profession.
I thought this was a pretty good decision.
But..I don't think I can do it.
I've been fortunate that so far I've been able to pay for my college through federal funding and scholarships..But transferring into a university guarantees that I'll double my debt..which is nonexistent right now.
Is it worth it? With our economy the way it is, is it worth taking out $20,000 in loans? For school? When really, if the time comes when I need to work I can always find a customer service position somewhere or really focus on Mary Kay? When I've wanted to make money, I've made money...that's not our issue.
I feel like I'm obligated to pursue my education.. and that's on me. Because of me. It's just who I am, I like it. I don't like the feeling that I should pursue an area of education that would lead me to a really good paying job to justify my education.
I have faith that my husband'll be able to find a job outside of the military when the time comes. I don't think we'll even come close to starving. But I also don't think we should use the money he makes to help pay for my education when his education has been hard earned in so many ways. We will have at least 2 children to provide for, our retirement to think of, possibly the college educations of those two children plus the living expenses that comes with..well, living.
Can't figure out if it'll be worth it at this point. When it's something I can pursue later when we're more financially and geographically stable.
I thought this was a pretty good decision.
But..I don't think I can do it.
I've been fortunate that so far I've been able to pay for my college through federal funding and scholarships..But transferring into a university guarantees that I'll double my debt..which is nonexistent right now.
Is it worth it? With our economy the way it is, is it worth taking out $20,000 in loans? For school? When really, if the time comes when I need to work I can always find a customer service position somewhere or really focus on Mary Kay? When I've wanted to make money, I've made money...that's not our issue.
I feel like I'm obligated to pursue my education.. and that's on me. Because of me. It's just who I am, I like it. I don't like the feeling that I should pursue an area of education that would lead me to a really good paying job to justify my education.
I have faith that my husband'll be able to find a job outside of the military when the time comes. I don't think we'll even come close to starving. But I also don't think we should use the money he makes to help pay for my education when his education has been hard earned in so many ways. We will have at least 2 children to provide for, our retirement to think of, possibly the college educations of those two children plus the living expenses that comes with..well, living.
Can't figure out if it'll be worth it at this point. When it's something I can pursue later when we're more financially and geographically stable.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
I hate coconut.
I'm sorry. But it's true. I can't stand it.. especially the fake, overly sweet, crappy, flake stuff that you can buy by the pound at your local grocery store. It actually makes me ill.
HATE IT.
So it makes me awfully sad that my morning perusing of delicious baking sites was interrupted when I clicked on "Chocolate Chip Magic Bars" only to find out that they are full of crappy flaked coconut. If you are indeed interested in these bars.. here you go Chocolate Chip Magic Bars but for me.. I'm just sad about it. Because in my world coconut does not equal magic. Magic is like.. probably more like this: MAGIC
The thing is..I don't actually (ok, hardly ever) bake any of the delicious goodies I find during my perusing. Because I would get fat. Like a lot. And while you're thinking..well, Ang why don't you just make them and give them away... Well..I'm fairly sensitive to the fact that then I would get blamed for all the millions of people around me who are SUPPOSED to be dieting, getting fat. And I'm not taking that on.
I need someone who lives close enough that cookies/bars/cakes wouldn't go stale while shipping, who isn't worried about getting fat, who would possibly share the cost of baking all these delicious things in return of me baking them and sending them... The deliciousness.
P.S. Have you ever married a guy of German descent and told them that no you will not eat German Chocolate Cake because of the ooey gooey condensed milk/coconut frosting mixture on top? ....ya. Imagine that conversation.
HATE IT.
So it makes me awfully sad that my morning perusing of delicious baking sites was interrupted when I clicked on "Chocolate Chip Magic Bars" only to find out that they are full of crappy flaked coconut. If you are indeed interested in these bars.. here you go Chocolate Chip Magic Bars but for me.. I'm just sad about it. Because in my world coconut does not equal magic. Magic is like.. probably more like this: MAGIC
The thing is..I don't actually (ok, hardly ever) bake any of the delicious goodies I find during my perusing. Because I would get fat. Like a lot. And while you're thinking..well, Ang why don't you just make them and give them away... Well..I'm fairly sensitive to the fact that then I would get blamed for all the millions of people around me who are SUPPOSED to be dieting, getting fat. And I'm not taking that on.
I need someone who lives close enough that cookies/bars/cakes wouldn't go stale while shipping, who isn't worried about getting fat, who would possibly share the cost of baking all these delicious things in return of me baking them and sending them... The deliciousness.
P.S. Have you ever married a guy of German descent and told them that no you will not eat German Chocolate Cake because of the ooey gooey condensed milk/coconut frosting mixture on top? ....ya. Imagine that conversation.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
2nd Trimester
Hello second trimester. Official second trimester. We hit 14 weeks a couple days ago..and I am oh so happy that we've made it this far.
The "Oh shit, what have we done?" feeling is slowly wearing off. Maybe. Sometimes. Ok. Probably not.
Auralia says it's a boy..this week. Last week it was a girl. Before that it was a baby cow. So.. her opinion is not to be trusted.
To my "anonymous" commenter... More? Um.. I didn't often blog about my first pregnancy. Not as often as I blogged once Auralia was about a year old. Mostly because there are often mixed opinions about when the husband and I choose to have our children.
I've already gotten some comments like, "Well, I guess this one wasn't planned." Dear friends: Can you guess who would say something like that to me?
Idiots.
I know that there are some people out there that firmly believe that birth control doesn't work. And maybe not all birth control forms work as well as they should, maybe some people are just stupid.. I dunno. But I do know that I don't get pregnant unless I want to. I don't do much of anything unless I want to. So why, oh why, would someone who should really know me by now, assume that this pregnancy was not planned?
Sigh.
Idiots.
Anyway.. because the husband is never here to go through a pregnancy with me, I'm perhaps a little more guarded about what I say, or write, when it comes to my blog. Because with 6 bazillion hormones going through me, plus my regular temperament... I could probably hurt some people's feelings. (Which would probably amuse my "anonymous" commenter...) I would hurt some people's feelings. I have very little control over my thought process, but I tend to have enormous control over what actually comes out of my mouth...as long as I like you. When pregnant, I tend to try to shut my mouth more and get overly protective of my happy little family.
I could and will say, I've gained 5 pounds since moving back to Colorado.. good home cooking plus pregnancy. Not bad considering that I like to eat any way and for about a month I was concentrating on school instead of working out. I'm no longer dizzy, or gagging every other minute...which is a plus. We're still debating on what color to paint the nursery.. and if I haven't stated it before I will now, I'm still being tight lipped about baby names. Or at least our name if it's a girl. That's my small piece of rebellion right now. (Sorry, Mom.) The belly is beginning to show through and my boobs are getting huge. Because that's pregnancy. Sigh.
If you know me, you know that I have a problem with big boobs. I don't care if other people have big boobs but really.. I'm not a fan.
Mostly I'm desperately awaiting news of when Jer's leave will be. If he'll get a visit in before the baby gets here or just when the baby gets here. Desperately waiting for Finance to get off their asses and get his paycheck fixed, because once again in his military career..our pay is fucked up. WWWAAAAAYYYY fucked up. So..waiting for back pay. I'm waiting for it to be September when it will no longer be 90+ degrees in my house.
And I'm knitting. Ya. Knitting. Strange but true.
The "Oh shit, what have we done?" feeling is slowly wearing off. Maybe. Sometimes. Ok. Probably not.
Auralia says it's a boy..this week. Last week it was a girl. Before that it was a baby cow. So.. her opinion is not to be trusted.
To my "anonymous" commenter... More? Um.. I didn't often blog about my first pregnancy. Not as often as I blogged once Auralia was about a year old. Mostly because there are often mixed opinions about when the husband and I choose to have our children.
I've already gotten some comments like, "Well, I guess this one wasn't planned." Dear friends: Can you guess who would say something like that to me?
Idiots.
I know that there are some people out there that firmly believe that birth control doesn't work. And maybe not all birth control forms work as well as they should, maybe some people are just stupid.. I dunno. But I do know that I don't get pregnant unless I want to. I don't do much of anything unless I want to. So why, oh why, would someone who should really know me by now, assume that this pregnancy was not planned?
Sigh.
Idiots.
Anyway.. because the husband is never here to go through a pregnancy with me, I'm perhaps a little more guarded about what I say, or write, when it comes to my blog. Because with 6 bazillion hormones going through me, plus my regular temperament... I could probably hurt some people's feelings. (Which would probably amuse my "anonymous" commenter...) I would hurt some people's feelings. I have very little control over my thought process, but I tend to have enormous control over what actually comes out of my mouth...as long as I like you. When pregnant, I tend to try to shut my mouth more and get overly protective of my happy little family.
I could and will say, I've gained 5 pounds since moving back to Colorado.. good home cooking plus pregnancy. Not bad considering that I like to eat any way and for about a month I was concentrating on school instead of working out. I'm no longer dizzy, or gagging every other minute...which is a plus. We're still debating on what color to paint the nursery.. and if I haven't stated it before I will now, I'm still being tight lipped about baby names. Or at least our name if it's a girl. That's my small piece of rebellion right now. (Sorry, Mom.) The belly is beginning to show through and my boobs are getting huge. Because that's pregnancy. Sigh.
If you know me, you know that I have a problem with big boobs. I don't care if other people have big boobs but really.. I'm not a fan.
Mostly I'm desperately awaiting news of when Jer's leave will be. If he'll get a visit in before the baby gets here or just when the baby gets here. Desperately waiting for Finance to get off their asses and get his paycheck fixed, because once again in his military career..our pay is fucked up. WWWAAAAAYYYY fucked up. So..waiting for back pay. I'm waiting for it to be September when it will no longer be 90+ degrees in my house.
And I'm knitting. Ya. Knitting. Strange but true.
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