Education Nation

I made the decision a couple weeks ago to transfer into a university. Finally. Instead of just taking classes that will some day go towards a degree, I would actually really pursue a degree. A career. ...ok, not so much a career but a profession.

I thought this was a pretty good decision.

But..I don't think I can do it.

I've been fortunate that so far I've been able to pay for my college through federal funding and scholarships..But transferring into a university guarantees that I'll double my debt..which is nonexistent right now.

Is it worth it? With our economy the way it is, is it worth taking out $20,000 in loans? For school? When really, if the time comes when I need to work I can always find a customer service position somewhere or really focus on Mary Kay? When I've wanted to make money, I've made money...that's not our issue.

I feel like I'm obligated to pursue my education.. and that's on me. Because of me. It's just who I am, I like it. I don't like the feeling that I should pursue an area of education that would lead me to a really good paying job to justify my education.

I have faith that my husband'll be able to find a job outside of the military when the time comes. I don't think we'll even come close to starving. But I also don't think we should use the money he makes to help pay for my education when his education has been hard earned in so many ways. We will have at least 2 children to provide for, our retirement to think of, possibly the college educations of those two children plus the living expenses that comes with..well, living.

Can't figure out if it'll be worth it at this point. When it's something I can pursue later when we're more financially and geographically stable.

I hate coconut.

I'm sorry. But it's true. I can't stand it.. especially the fake, overly sweet, crappy, flake stuff that you can buy by the pound at your local grocery store. It actually makes me ill.

HATE IT.

So it makes me awfully sad that my morning perusing of delicious baking sites was interrupted when I clicked on "Chocolate Chip Magic Bars" only to find out that they are full of crappy flaked coconut. If you are indeed interested in these bars.. here you go Chocolate Chip Magic Bars but for me.. I'm just sad about it. Because in my world coconut does not equal magic. Magic is like.. probably more like this: MAGIC

The thing is..I don't actually (ok, hardly ever) bake any of the delicious goodies I find during my perusing. Because I would get fat. Like a lot. And while you're thinking..well, Ang why don't you just make them and give them away... Well..I'm fairly sensitive to the fact that then I would get blamed for all the millions of people around me who are SUPPOSED to be dieting, getting fat. And I'm not taking that on.

I need someone who lives close enough that cookies/bars/cakes wouldn't go stale while shipping, who isn't worried about getting fat, who would possibly share the cost of baking all these delicious things in return of me baking them and sending them... The deliciousness.

P.S. Have you ever married a guy of German descent and told them that no you will not eat German Chocolate Cake because of the ooey gooey condensed milk/coconut frosting mixture on top? ....ya. Imagine that conversation.

2nd Trimester

Hello second trimester. Official second trimester. We hit 14 weeks a couple days ago..and I am oh so happy that we've made it this far.

The "Oh shit, what have we done?" feeling is slowly wearing off. Maybe. Sometimes. Ok. Probably not.

Auralia says it's a boy..this week. Last week it was a girl. Before that it was a baby cow. So.. her opinion is not to be trusted.

To my "anonymous" commenter... More? Um.. I didn't often blog about my first pregnancy. Not as often as I blogged once Auralia was about a year old. Mostly because there are often mixed opinions about when the husband and I choose to have our children.

I've already gotten some comments like, "Well, I guess this one wasn't planned." Dear friends: Can you guess who would say something like that to me?

Idiots.

I know that there are some people out there that firmly believe that birth control doesn't work. And maybe not all birth control forms work as well as they should, maybe some people are just stupid.. I dunno. But I do know that I don't get pregnant unless I want to. I don't do much of anything unless I want to. So why, oh why, would someone who should really know me by now, assume that this pregnancy was not planned?

Sigh.

Idiots.

Anyway.. because the husband is never here to go through a pregnancy with me, I'm perhaps a little more guarded about what I say, or write, when it comes to my blog. Because with 6 bazillion hormones going through me, plus my regular temperament... I could probably hurt some people's feelings. (Which would probably amuse my "anonymous" commenter...) I would hurt some people's feelings. I have very little control over my thought process, but I tend to have enormous control over what actually comes out of my mouth...as long as I like you. When pregnant, I tend to try to shut my mouth more and get overly protective of my happy little family.

I could and will say, I've gained 5 pounds since moving back to Colorado.. good home cooking plus pregnancy. Not bad considering that I like to eat any way and for about a month I was concentrating on school instead of working out. I'm no longer dizzy, or gagging every other minute...which is a plus. We're still debating on what color to paint the nursery.. and if I haven't stated it before I will now, I'm still being tight lipped about baby names. Or at least our name if it's a girl. That's my small piece of rebellion right now. (Sorry, Mom.) The belly is beginning to show through and my boobs are getting huge. Because that's pregnancy. Sigh.

If you know me, you know that I have a problem with big boobs. I don't care if other people have big boobs but really.. I'm not a fan.

Mostly I'm desperately awaiting news of when Jer's leave will be. If he'll get a visit in before the baby gets here or just when the baby gets here. Desperately waiting for Finance to get off their asses and get his paycheck fixed, because once again in his military career..our pay is fucked up. WWWAAAAAYYYY fucked up. So..waiting for back pay. I'm waiting for it to be September when it will no longer be 90+ degrees in my house.

And I'm knitting. Ya. Knitting. Strange but true.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Finally..a new blog.

No..I haven't blogged in a long long time. I fail. But there were a lot of things I didn't feel like writing about where other people could read. Some day when I'm dead, my great grandchildren will get to read all sorts of interesting journals and blogs and unsent letters.

So..everyone pretty much knows that we are expecting our next baby. That's big news. First trimester is over. OVER. Finally. This first trimester was not fun, not that it was fun with Auralia either, but this one was more scary and not reassuring at all compared to the 24 hour sickness of carrying Auralia. Hence, no blogs.

Husband is not on the same continent as us, once again, during a pregnancy. But that's ok. We deal. That's what we do. And he's pretty happy with where he's working and what he's working on so that's pretty amazing. ...he's not always completely pleased with his assignments.

My two year old..is a two year old. Funny and exasperating and I'm totally overwhelmed with Jer gone.

In another 3ish months we should know where we'll be going next year. In another month and a half we'll know if the to-be-baby is a girl or boy and start planning more of that stuff.

I mostly miss my husband. And sometimes, I feel like the progress of our lives is really just a giant circle.

No More Doom?

I wake up early..mostly so I can do stuff before the child wakes up. When I say "do stuff" I mean...play on the internet in peace. Lol. The dog and the cats get fed, sometimes I start a load of laundry but mostly I sit in my office and peruse the going-ons in the world. You know...Facebook, Pinterest, Mary Kay Intouch, catch up on the blogs that I read, check my email, maybe do some bill paying, occasionally check out the news.

A lot of people I know look for their wisdom of the day in daily Bible readings or other spirtual readings, or self-help books.. And there are many good ones out there. But for me.. I like to read how my fellow bloggers are handling things. Life. Their daily stresses and triumphs. A lot of the blogs I read are fellow military spouses, and some are really wonderful. I like knowing that it's not only our military experience that has been a little rocky.

One blog I read... the spouse has 6 kids under the age of 7. And they like it. But she stresses, and recently blogged about how she hasn't been living life to the fullest. And how a car accident with her husband and a semi involved, nearly changed her whole existance.

I've blogged about it before, and am pretty sure I'll blog about it again... But, why is it, that we get SOOOO caught up in the bullshit that we forget to enjoy ANYTHING? ..People say that we forget to appreciate or enjoy the little things, but I think most of us get so caught up that we don't appreciate ANYTHING.

The past few months have been really hard on me. Duh. They've probably been hard on anyone reading my blogs or just dealing with me in general. I've felt like...I'm crumbling. My resolve, my strength, any iota of optimism I once possessed seemed to have left me...and I wasn't big on optimism in the first place.

Shit happens. And this has been a really shitty couple of months.

And then a couple days ago, I said.. "I took on too much."

....And this is not something that I usually admit. Because usually...it doesn't matter if its all too much. It all gets done, and done pretty well.

But this time.. I really took on too much.

And saying that.. some how relieves me.

Obviously it doesn't relieve me from the things I still have to do.. lol.  But I feel a little bit more free. A little lighter inside.

....Plus I worked my ASS off this weekend getting a crap load of school work done. So I'm feeling a little more caught up on all that..which is a relief.

My neurologist appointment is today, and that still freaks me out a little bit. Except that since my massage, there has been no sharp pain...only pressure. And my neck has popped twice, unexpectedly...in a good way. My parents are on vacation, which means I have 2 large dogs running around my house eating each other... But it makes them happy and as long as they don't wake the child earlier than she usually wakes up, I'm ok it. ..Except I stumbled over 3 dog toys on the way to bed last night.. Why do we buy them toys when they just chew on each other?

I have really great babysitters who love the child and have been more than willing to give me the much needed time for homework the last couple weeks. There are people here who love us and have been unbelievably supportive. I still haven't socialized much since I've been back..and for the friends that I haven't seen--well, school's over in a month. We'll talk then.

No. I still don't know what's going on with the Husband V. New Assignment. But...(and this is a strange feeling) I think maybe it'll happen this week.

I don't feel like everything is doomed at this point. Maybe my strength is re-entering my soul. Maybe I'm accepting. Maybe it just takes me weeks to do so.

...I still feel like I need a vacation though. 

I Love.

I love looking at my dog. He's very handsome. And he has blonde eyelashes and soft ears.

I love my daughter's dimples and curls.

I love feeling strong AND flexible.

I love when someone else does the dishes.

I love...gravy.

I love to see the back fence steam.

I love seeing Raja sleep.

I love baking and/or cooking success.

I love blogs.

I love when the husband cooks eggs.. When he's gone I very rarely eat eggs. 

I love paint.

I love seeing my child giggle with her cousin.

I love my ability to see through the old or dirty and to picture what things will look like cleaned and polished up.

I love carbs.

I love when the husband surprises me with Pringles. Or Junior Mints. Or Hot Cheetos.

I love old houses, and hardwood floors.

I love water, and beaches, and salty wind.

I love hot, strong coffee in the mornings. But I LOVE iced chai all day, and hot chai before bed.

I love preggo friends. And acquaintances. ..some strangers.

I love when the child wakes up happy, ready to show off new skills she must've dreamed of.

I love seeing my parents happy.

I love thinking. Thoughts that are progressive.

I love writing, love seeing my scenes, scenarios, thoughts...even frustrations, out of me.

I love candles. And aromatherapy.

I love being recognized for my talents.

I love merging my thoughts and dreams with the husbands thoughts and dreams...and seeing what happens.

I love peach tea.

I love my GPS.

I love tattoos. Especially mine. But there are very few exceptions to tattoos that I don't love.

I love seeing my friends and their talents shine.

I love having pretty toes.

...I love when the child has pretty toes.

I love my bed. Really, a lot.

I love my blue jewelry. It's everything that is me.

I love when the child 'meows'.

I love books. Seeing them, reading them, writing them. All books.

I love hope.

Everything is always about hope.