Inconvienent Hampering

I have been grumpy. And most of it I can just blame on PMS or hormones or whatever, but a large part of it is that I feel inconvenienced. I really hate that.

It all comes down to the choices that we've made, or haven't made. And I do indeed feel like most of the time, we make the right choices. There's a reason, somewhere out there, that my husband needs to be away from me and my child for long periods of time. I won't know it until I get to look back on the period of time, but I'm sure it'll be there. I just can't seem to comfort myself with that fact though. Not yet.

The months after our daughter was born while he was away, was a time where I was needed at home with my parents. In specific, my mom needed me while she underwent multiple surgeries. And while that's a really shitty reason to be needed back home, it gave us time together that I wouldn't give up for the whole wide world. She's closer to my daughter than I could ever hope, and she taught me in those months how to be a better mother to my daughter.

In the next coming months I'll finish my degree in Colorado, I'll be needed if my mother does need yet another surgery, I'll be around family who, while they don't really need me.. Maybe they'll do better when I'm around.

But man, my head hurts.

It's so much different thinking about separation when you have a child who knows that their parent is gone.

How am I supposed to teach her strength and courage and resiliency except for by example? And while that's all good in theory, we haven't actually tried it out yet. (Enter tearful chuckle here)

I think, one of the best parts of being a parent, is getting to share it. And one of the saddest parts of the military, is how sharing is often hampered.

How do you spell that?

K-O-R-E-A

That's what's going on.

Yep.

July of next year, Jer reports, unaccompanied by moi, (due to the fact that where he's going to in Korea doesn't want family members) he'll be there for a year.

So.. I'll be moving back to Colorado around Christmas time of this year.. because in January he reports to Arizona, unaccompanied by moi, again (due to the fact that the military hates us)... he'll be there til mid June.

Does this suck or what?

Ya.

That's about all I got right now... today is a busy day. So, more later.

My Child Loves Ham.

Blogging has not been on my list of things-to-do recently...which isn't a necessarily a bad thing. My life has been busy. I'm working from home, handling a 15-credit school load for the first time in years, have been in Colorado, been sick, been diagnosed with kidney stones, and I have a sick toddler. Plus normal every day duties.

I like being busy. I really, really enjoy it. Except for when I'm tired. I've felt just utterly exhausted for about 4 days now.

And I feel...ultimately blessed, because I have a husband who doesn't mind taking care of things either while I'm gone, or when I come back from vacation sick and in pain and with a very cranky baby.

I was reading a magazine article yesterday about the life lessons you learn from your children.. one parent had said, "I learned that love at first sight really does exist." Did I love my baby at first sight? I really did, and I know (and completely understand) parents who don't absolutely love their little one at first sight. Pregnancy, birth, and hormones are all tricky things even in the best of situations..so I understand that it can take some time to bond with a baby... But I was one of those parents that loved my baby as soon as I had her in my arms. More than that tho... I think I loved her from conception.

Does that make parenting easy? Nope. Does it give me a different perspective? Nope. Does that make her an easy-going, quiet as a mouse, sitting still child? Not even a little bit.

I love her for her opinions. I love that she's living in a world where I can listen to her opinions, that I can have pride in her intelligence, her charm, AND her tantrums.

I thought that when I was pregnant, and then the first 6 months of her life while the husband was deployed, that it would be probably one of the hardest things to get through, ever. Pregnancy alone is infinitely easier than taking care of a baby alone. But none of it turned out to be as hard as I thought. When the husband did come home, I thought.. leaving Colorado would be hard, and it was. I thought, the husband and the baby getting to know each other would be hell.. And it was. I also thought... I can't wait until she can actually communicate what she wants to us. Won't it be easier when she can actually say if something hurts or if she's mad or sad or hungry, or at least answer a yes or no question?

Now she says... "Hun-Gee, Mama." "Kitchen." Which does indeed give me a clue. Then she says, "Ham. Ham. Mama. Ham." That also gives me a clue. But God help us if we are out of ham and you try to give the child a piece of turkey or roast beef instead.

Point of this blog.. not much really. Actually, pretty much no point at all except for I had thoughts to get out.

Juggling

There's a house down the street, one where the lights can often be seen burning all through the night. There are two cars in the driveway, although you'll only see one ever move. A woman, relatively young is often seen entering and exiting this house. She juggles. She will juggle books, children, pets, grief, loneliness, work, family, friends, chores, daily ups and downs, ups and downs and down some more...

Juggling is a necessary skill in this neighborhood. And those that drop their balls are often called weak. And those that are weak, don't usually live here for long.

Eyes can stay shadowed for months, dogs may bark when a twig is blown by the wind, and babies may scream 22 hours a day. Routine jobs are seldom held, oil changes are usually forgotten and chicken nuggets may be on the dinner table tonight.

But the floor is vacuumed and most likely Febreeze'd. Scentsey candles fragrance the air because Linda, two doors down, just had a party. The kitchen is swept and mopped, the laundry is folded, and the dishes done.

Makes you wonder what the important "balls" are.

Howling

My husband is NOT deployed. So I really have no right to complain. Training is a part of the military, and he does his duty by going to wherever they tell him to go and doing what needs to be done. It's all good.

But it's awfully hard for me to not complain when the training has nothing to do with his job and I have a howling 18 month old.

HOWLING.

18 month old lungs are a hell of a lot louder than a 3 month old set. That's what I've decided. I think she's trying to be sick and that's just gonna top this week off.

Unfortunately I've been pretty freaking unproductive with work this week and that just makes me feel bad. Sigh. No new names or faces but that's ok... the rest of the week'll get better.

That'll be my mantra... The rest of the week has to be better.

Cocoa Puffs

I usually love August no matter where I  am. Last August we moved to where we are now and enjoyed the last weeks of summer...if you could call it the summer.

I love the anticipation that August brings. Kids going back to school, waiting for the leafs to change, Halloween decorations starting to grace the stores. September in Washington bothers me..but August I'm ok with.

Jer left this morning for training...He'll be gone about 3 weeks and that's ok. It sucks for the obvious reasons but I'll deal. The baby will hopefully deal as well. This is the first time since his deployment that he's left her for more than 24 hours..although, the baby and I frequently travel to see family so I think she's used to not seeing him for a week or more at a time. Nevertheless, this is the longest period of time they'll go without each other since he returned last year. It'll be interesting to see what happens.

We've started to discuss where I should live while he's in AIT again next year. We have about 5 months to figure it out which seems like a lot, but really isn't. I could just stay here...during the wet season of Washington with my will-be 2 year old. I have some friends, although most'll be moving in the next couple months but I'd live. Make new friends. I could move myself down to Arizona for a couple months... try to find a house that'll take me, my child, my two cats and large dog for 4 months. "It's only discrimination if you actually say what you're thinking" is coming to mind. Or I could see if my parents or Jer's parents want company for a few months... Save my BAH. That'd be close to $5,000 saved just in rent money...that's a lot. But I'd have to figure out where to put all of us and such.

Anyway...it's being discussed, and we're open to suggestions if anyone has anything useful to suggest.

Business is going better than expected, so I'm happy with that.

I guess the major thing right now is Jer being gone for the next few weeks. It means I get the tv all night, which is nice. And all the Cocoa Puffs. Yep. Adam's coming to visit which is good.. but will set the neighbor's gossip chain on fire I'm sure... Who's that strange man who's staying with her while her husband's away? I'm sure I'll be getting a call from Jer's commander. Lol.

Leafy Green Vegetables

Did I lose my courage once I got married or once we joined the military or once we had a baby?

..I would hate to think it was any of those things.

I know it isn't marriage that changed my view on a lot of things. I am one of the very few people I know who can say that I have a completely supportive husband and that we're absolutely happy together. Have I changed since we've been together? Absolutely. But if anything, my relationship with Jer lifts me up and makes me a better person.

Having a baby? ...well, that puts a lot of things into perspective, and again makes me a better person. I'd like to think that I'm a pretty good mom, but I've only been doing this for about 18 months so I have the rest of my life to decide exactly where I've screwed up. It's maybe made me more cautious about things like making sure we're more financially responsible then we once were or keeping leafy green vegetables in the house.

The military... Bah. Is probably the culprit of my pseudo-insanity. Things can change in an instant in my life so I try to be prepared as much as possible. And I'm really not against change so I think I do ok. But I think in the last few years I've let it dictate our lives to a point... which is also probably something you sign up for when you enlist. It's also another reason I keep leafy green vegetables in my house all of a sudden.

I decided to start Mary Kay, not because I'm oh so into their cosmetics.. although I love lots of their skin care products and adore the eyeliner.. BUT, lol, I started it because of the company. Because it's really an inspirational company and I think I needed something a little inspirational. I like doing things.. any thing, that keeps me busier then I am right now.. But I love being a stay-at-home mom. And even though I was apprehensive about starting this, it's been less then a week and I'm already having fun. FUN. I wasn't expecting that. And I'm already making more money then I thought I would. And that's fun too.

This is not an advertisement for Mary Kay, this is just all my feelings about what I'm doing right now. I've put makeup on 6 out of 7 days in the last week. My nails are pretty. I've talked to neighbors who I've never really talked to before, my husbands coworkers, family, and friends...which makes me about 200% more social than usual. I've met a whole roomful of women who support me and my business and are dedicated to helping me when I need it.

How many times have you walked into a room full of women and not been glared at by at least one of them? Can you even imagine being automatically supported by 10 women you've never met?

I have to thank Sarah for asking the one question that really made me do this and that was, "Why are you scared?"

She hit it on that one, without really knowing she did. And while inside of me, there was a little twinge of hurt...it wasn't in any way her fault. It's been my fault for letting myself go on cruise control for the last year.. We've been trying to avoid bumps and wreckage and now I'd rather take the steps to overcome the bumps and wreckage instead of avoiding them.

And I think that may be healthier for me right now.

So today has been a good day, and I'd like to thank every one that has been supportive of my decisions the last year or so and I hope that I've been as supportive to everyone else.