i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Finally..a new blog.

No..I haven't blogged in a long long time. I fail. But there were a lot of things I didn't feel like writing about where other people could read. Some day when I'm dead, my great grandchildren will get to read all sorts of interesting journals and blogs and unsent letters.

So..everyone pretty much knows that we are expecting our next baby. That's big news. First trimester is over. OVER. Finally. This first trimester was not fun, not that it was fun with Auralia either, but this one was more scary and not reassuring at all compared to the 24 hour sickness of carrying Auralia. Hence, no blogs.

Husband is not on the same continent as us, once again, during a pregnancy. But that's ok. We deal. That's what we do. And he's pretty happy with where he's working and what he's working on so that's pretty amazing. ...he's not always completely pleased with his assignments.

My two year old..is a two year old. Funny and exasperating and I'm totally overwhelmed with Jer gone.

In another 3ish months we should know where we'll be going next year. In another month and a half we'll know if the to-be-baby is a girl or boy and start planning more of that stuff.

I mostly miss my husband. And sometimes, I feel like the progress of our lives is really just a giant circle.

No More Doom?

I wake up early..mostly so I can do stuff before the child wakes up. When I say "do stuff" I mean...play on the internet in peace. Lol. The dog and the cats get fed, sometimes I start a load of laundry but mostly I sit in my office and peruse the going-ons in the world. You know...Facebook, Pinterest, Mary Kay Intouch, catch up on the blogs that I read, check my email, maybe do some bill paying, occasionally check out the news.

A lot of people I know look for their wisdom of the day in daily Bible readings or other spirtual readings, or self-help books.. And there are many good ones out there. But for me.. I like to read how my fellow bloggers are handling things. Life. Their daily stresses and triumphs. A lot of the blogs I read are fellow military spouses, and some are really wonderful. I like knowing that it's not only our military experience that has been a little rocky.

One blog I read... the spouse has 6 kids under the age of 7. And they like it. But she stresses, and recently blogged about how she hasn't been living life to the fullest. And how a car accident with her husband and a semi involved, nearly changed her whole existance.

I've blogged about it before, and am pretty sure I'll blog about it again... But, why is it, that we get SOOOO caught up in the bullshit that we forget to enjoy ANYTHING? ..People say that we forget to appreciate or enjoy the little things, but I think most of us get so caught up that we don't appreciate ANYTHING.

The past few months have been really hard on me. Duh. They've probably been hard on anyone reading my blogs or just dealing with me in general. I've felt like...I'm crumbling. My resolve, my strength, any iota of optimism I once possessed seemed to have left me...and I wasn't big on optimism in the first place.

Shit happens. And this has been a really shitty couple of months.

And then a couple days ago, I said.. "I took on too much."

....And this is not something that I usually admit. Because usually...it doesn't matter if its all too much. It all gets done, and done pretty well.

But this time.. I really took on too much.

And saying that.. some how relieves me.

Obviously it doesn't relieve me from the things I still have to do.. lol.  But I feel a little bit more free. A little lighter inside.

....Plus I worked my ASS off this weekend getting a crap load of school work done. So I'm feeling a little more caught up on all that..which is a relief.

My neurologist appointment is today, and that still freaks me out a little bit. Except that since my massage, there has been no sharp pain...only pressure. And my neck has popped twice, unexpectedly...in a good way. My parents are on vacation, which means I have 2 large dogs running around my house eating each other... But it makes them happy and as long as they don't wake the child earlier than she usually wakes up, I'm ok it. ..Except I stumbled over 3 dog toys on the way to bed last night.. Why do we buy them toys when they just chew on each other?

I have really great babysitters who love the child and have been more than willing to give me the much needed time for homework the last couple weeks. There are people here who love us and have been unbelievably supportive. I still haven't socialized much since I've been back..and for the friends that I haven't seen--well, school's over in a month. We'll talk then.

No. I still don't know what's going on with the Husband V. New Assignment. But...(and this is a strange feeling) I think maybe it'll happen this week.

I don't feel like everything is doomed at this point. Maybe my strength is re-entering my soul. Maybe I'm accepting. Maybe it just takes me weeks to do so.

...I still feel like I need a vacation though. 

I Love.

I love looking at my dog. He's very handsome. And he has blonde eyelashes and soft ears.

I love my daughter's dimples and curls.

I love feeling strong AND flexible.

I love when someone else does the dishes.

I love...gravy.

I love to see the back fence steam.

I love seeing Raja sleep.

I love baking and/or cooking success.

I love blogs.

I love when the husband cooks eggs.. When he's gone I very rarely eat eggs. 

I love paint.

I love seeing my child giggle with her cousin.

I love my ability to see through the old or dirty and to picture what things will look like cleaned and polished up.

I love carbs.

I love when the husband surprises me with Pringles. Or Junior Mints. Or Hot Cheetos.

I love old houses, and hardwood floors.

I love water, and beaches, and salty wind.

I love hot, strong coffee in the mornings. But I LOVE iced chai all day, and hot chai before bed.

I love preggo friends. And acquaintances. ..some strangers.

I love when the child wakes up happy, ready to show off new skills she must've dreamed of.

I love seeing my parents happy.

I love thinking. Thoughts that are progressive.

I love writing, love seeing my scenes, scenarios, thoughts...even frustrations, out of me.

I love candles. And aromatherapy.

I love being recognized for my talents.

I love merging my thoughts and dreams with the husbands thoughts and dreams...and seeing what happens.

I love peach tea.

I love my GPS.

I love tattoos. Especially mine. But there are very few exceptions to tattoos that I don't love.

I love seeing my friends and their talents shine.

I love having pretty toes.

...I love when the child has pretty toes.

I love my bed. Really, a lot.

I love my blue jewelry. It's everything that is me.

I love when the child 'meows'.

I love books. Seeing them, reading them, writing them. All books.

I love hope.

Everything is always about hope. 

Current Info

Pain is a part of life. As is stress. And anger. Frustration. Our bodies take the toll.

When my body starts to get mad at me, that just causes more anxiety on my part. And fear.

A couple weeks ago my PCM referred me to a neurologist to get checked out for neuralgia. The internet-junky that I am, spent a hour then researching neuralgia which thouroughly freaked me out. Enough that I thought to myself... It's just stress. I cancelled the appointment, moved into my new house and I sit here, awaiting the husband's new orders to find out what's going on in my life.

And yet..the shooting pains running up the base of my skull have come back. Causing untold anxiety.

So more research was needed. And I reinstated my appointment with the neurologist.

Stress related occipital neuralgia exists.

And yes.. I also have a massage scheduled for this week.

So.. Life is very strange right now.

Illiterate

I haven't read a whole book in over 6 weeks.

I have started school, I take my first math test of the semester tonight. My head already hurts. ...But that could be from dealing with a whole lot of not so much fun stuff the last 48 hours.

I signed my lease today, and it looks like I'll be moving in some time around the 15th.. A couple rooms need painted before I move my stuff in, so a day or 2 of painting and cleaning will happen before the actual moving happens.

We're throwing Auralia a mini birthday party this Saturday.. mostly because we don't actually know if Jer'll get here for it. Part of the stupid craziness of the last 48 hours.. so to everyone who wasn't invited..don't feel bad, and don't get mad at me. ..It'd be a pointless anger, as I wouldn't give crap at this point.

The last 7 days have just been some of those days.. where everything seems to be against us. Makes you rethink everything. Life is supposed to be as hard as you make it, we're supposed to accept the things we can't change...but how many times are we supposed to try to change before the acceptance comes?

I was stupid. So completely stupid to think that being here would make it all easier. ..It will probably get easier in a few weeks, once we get back on track. But there has been nothing easy about any of this so far.

I should be grateful. Grateful and accepting. And blah blah blah blah. 


I'm grateful that I've had a place to live the last few weeks. I'm grateful that we're close to good doctors as my child has been picking up every single germ possible the last few weeks. I'm grateful to ibuprofen. ..Mostly grateful that I've gotten to see some friends the last week that I haven't seen in a really long time, and really grateful that I get to see more over the weekend and next week.Grateful that our taxes are filed..not so happy that our return didn't get here on time to help pay my deposit...but still, grateful that I will be getting it in the next couple days.

I want the next two years to be done. I want my degree finished. This year. Eventually I'd like to listen to the news, or read news articles without worrying if anybody I know is hurt or dead. Or going to be stampeded by angry communists.

I can accept that this is what we signed up for. This is the choice we made. I can accept that I have to work really hard to finish my degree this year, but that it's really possible to have my bachelor's by Christmas. I can accept that the last 6 weeks have just been life, and life comes with eventual death. I can accept that some people around me are just miserable, and they don't see any light.

I'm grateful for the light here.

There are parts of the last few days that I can't accept, but that I have to tolerate.. because it's his job and he works with people who don't know what they're doing. Or just hate us.

I try to think they don't do this to us on purpose.. really. Although, we are screwed quite often.

I'm grateful for any 15 minutes that I can have alone. Or 5. Or even 2.

Too many drafts

Sometimes there are just too many words to say. Believe me, I have too many drafts. And that's what I do to soothe myself.

Single phrases throughout the day are starting to effect all of us.

I miss my husband.

And my bed.