And it's almost February. Almost the baby's birthday. Wow.
Green to Gold's out for now.. it's a possibility for later but the deadlines are approaching too fast for this term. That was a disappointment for all of us. Now we're going over our options, talking more about the future which includes more babies, more school, more pets.. wishes for bigger houses, better pay and so on.
Lately I've been wondering if I expect to much from my man and not as much as I once did from myself. Once upon a time I was hellbent on making my own way, paying for it my way, depending on myself completely. Am I less harsh now that I've been a mother? I think so. But I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. Going through a deployment alone and pregnant was pretty dependent.. I didn't depend on anybody else at that point. I got through it with hope and love.. and well, I guess I did depend on my hubby to read my daily (sometimes twice or more if we're being honest) emails occasionally. That was my way of communicating everything that was really going on inside of me and with the family.
Anyway.. I've depended on him and the military to support us. To support me and now us since we've had the little one. I've pushed to have good health-care and steady benefits in an economy that I distrust more than I distrust the military that supports us. With the re-enlistment window open for the time being, I want to know what's going to be happening in the next year or two... I want to know exactly what his options mean, where we'll be if he does this or that or the other. And I haven't looked at what I could do that could benefit all of us.
I love school. I've always loved being in school. Well, I hate math. I've always hated math. But besides the evils of algebra, I've always loved school. I've put going back to school on the back burner because the military will only help pay for what they want military spouses to learn, which in all honesty is fair. But I don't want a degree in what the military will pay for. But.. to better my family and to be more prepared for the future I should really just go get a degree in what I can live with, that the military will help pay for. That's what I should do. I almost like that idea. So now I'm pondering about the different schools and programs in the area, and will know what I'll be doing about school in the next week.
Another point of disdain for myself: We've been at this new post for just about 6 months now. 6 months is a pretty large chunk of time in military time. I haven't gotten close to a single other person. I will say that with the husband coming back from Iraq, an infant, and this being our first post so far away from family... we, as a couple, have grown a lot closer then I thought we would. We haven't had to deal with any of the horrors that so many military families deal with coming out of a deployment season. (For a season is what it truly is.) Mostly.. I have the most amazing husband in the whole wide world, and that's probably the reason that we've had such an easy time of being with each other again, especially since he came into the baby's life 6 months into it.
The last few months we've been in the "hurry up and wait" frame of mind. He's still not in a permanent unit and so we could be moved at any time. This isn't an excuse for me not making many friends, but it's part of the reason. I don't want to develop true friendships with people that I might be leaving in a few weeks or months...We've been waiting to find a different house, to figure out when we want to adopt a dog, for both of us to go back to school, until we knew if we'd be staying here for any real amount of time. That frame of mind (for me at least.. and I think for him as well) has ended. Now I feel like I need to get as much done as possible for me and for my family.
I'm ready to move forward with myself and to continue to develop relationships. I can only pray that the coming 12 months is as great as the last 6 have been with the husband and the baby and that he's not deployed suddenly (again) any time soon. I want my daughter to know him as well as I do.. I like hearing their voices, his so deep and hers just learning its' depth and volume and personality, I like sharing the responsibility of parenthood, I like knowing every day that there's another person right by my side that loves my daughter the way I do.
