Anchor

I have an anchor. A person who calms my heartbeat with his every inhale and exhale. Make no mistake, he's still breathing, and my heart's still beating... we are just countless miles apart.

Right in front of me is the epitome of me. She's supposed to be us, and I see mostly him when I look at her...ears, nose and eye color, long limbs...Those things come from him. But her every word and her over active mind, her logic somehow has been derived from me. Inside me lives our next one, our boy baby, the baby kangaroo. And as much as I love my baby girl, as much pride as I have in my personality and therefore hers...I desperately hope that this next baby isn't like me.

Except that sounds so harsh.

The truth of the matter is that I really wouldn't mind another baby who pops out with my personality...As long as I have an anchor around to hold my own personality in check. Because what he does to my heartbeat, he does for our children as well.

Harmony can exist.

Without that anchor I can become mean. Worse, I can become bitter. Depression and anxiety can threaten to roll in and out almost like clockwork, if I were to allow it.

We're in a strange place, my anchor and I. We're apart geographically...there's no doubting that. And we both suffer for it. But we're on the same page: In love, in dreams, in hope. And we both suffer for that as well.

Peanut Butter

It started with the occasional Nutrageous or Whatchamacallit candy bar.. Not such a big deal as those are 2 of my favorite candy bars any way.. so every couple days I'd buy one and eat half or a third of one at night time after the child had been put to bed.

Then the weather got hot...and I have no air conditioning.. so any chocolate in my house would melt. Yes, my house was really that hot. Sad day. However, in this family, we often put chocolate in the freezer..because it's better that way, duh. So.. you can't really put a Nutrageous or Whatchamacallit into the freezer. Caramel or rice crispy parts of candy bars don't freeze so well..well, they do, but then I'd be breaking my teeth trying to eat. So..enter Reece's pieces. A big ass box lasts at least a week.. better yet, the regular Reece's. One a night. Occasionally two. Frozen..they are DELICIOUS.

Today is officially the start of Autumn. Thank you Jesus. So..I don't really need frozen candy any more to get me through hot nights. I need apple-cinnamon tea and yummy toast. Peanut butter toast. And at breakfast time...I need apples (because since I've hit the 3rd trimester, I apparently want fruit) covered in peanut butter.

I am not really a peanut butter person. Nutella, yes. Chocolate, yes. Crackers and cheese, yes. Wine, yes. Peanut butter... no. Not so much.

So, my eating peanut butter at least twice a day in some form, is just strange to me. Strange a lot.

With Auralia it was pancakes. I ate pancakes a couple times a week for a good trimester. Maybe longer. ...I very rarely eat pancakes now.

 So..we are 10 weeks or less from baby being here. 69 days and counting. We are healthy and growing steadily. Not exercising enough due to an extremely complicated school schedule that will abate a little in the next week..so then exercising will start being a priority again.

Still don't know for sure whether or not baby will be delivered VBAC or C-section.. if I go into labor naturally then I'll pretty much decide right then and there what I feel like doing. Jer's leave hasn't been approved yet, but he should be here (in theory) a couple days before baby if baby can be patient.. I have my doubts about the patience of baby tho.. I just feel like he's going to come early.

We'll be planning a baby shower..probably the first weekend of November. So, that should be fun.

Auralia's now insisting that baby is a girl. And she compared me to an elephant a couple days ago.

The end.

Need New Hair

..it's just that time of year I think. Around fall/start of school season/mornings are getting colder that I really want to do something different with my hair. Don't get me wrong, there are some times that I like my hair this long and I can convince myself to keep letting it grow.. But the urge to cut it this time just keeps nagging me. So don't be surprised if I whack it all off in the next month or 2.

So.. Almost 25 weeks and going strong. 2nd trimester has gone way faster than first.. thank you Jesus. Baby is doing well, he's a lot more violent than Auralia was, but we are on schedule and all that fun stuff. I have a pinched nerve in my hip that is basically killing me.. but hopefully some physical therapy, massage, warm baths in the future will help it out.

Today at my doctor's appointment we officially set a c-section date. If I don't go into labor by November 30th, then that will be baby's birthday. Jer will be taking leave for about a month during this time and if all goes as planned he'll have a few days with just Auralia and I before new baby's eviction, and then a few weeks with us while I heal from the c-section. If, IF, I go into labor before the 30th, then it's still up in the air on whether or not I'll attempt to do a VBAC.. I'm allowed, my doctor doesn't care either way (I love her) so we'll just decide when that times comes.

I drag my feet on that decision.. Because if I have another csection..there's a good chance that this'll be our last child. And I don't particulary know if I want this to be our last child yet. My limit's 3 for sure...but we'll see.

Um..week 3 of school has started today.. so far so good. Midterms next week. Although most of the time I think that the idea of going back to school right now was pretty idiotic. And I think every one that supported that decision was idiotic with me. My laptop has died, my financial aid doesn't come in for awhile, I'm paying for a little bit of daycare out of my own pocket, and I still feel overwhelmed. And hungry.

I'm mostly missing Jer unbelievably this time around. That frustrates me in itself.

Blog. Blah.. Here let me throw this on you.

To-be-baby and I have made it to 18 weeks.

2nd pregnancies are kinda cooler than the first.. for the most part you know what to expect. And (at least with me) I felt this one move early early on, and it's only progressed to actual kicks the last couple days.

Still haven't decided on a repeat C-section or a VBAC. It's a hard, hard decision.

 I feel..blah the last couple of days. Not blah with the pregnancy, but blah with everything else. We've had some more issues with military stuff come up..and this time around..I can't even find my mad. Not that I expected something of this magnitude to happen, but still.. after being screwed with for the past 4 years, not much surprises me. This one did. But.. my mad is just not there.

Sometimes I feel like we're being deliberately screwed.

Sometimes I feel like it's our fault. Maybe we are not patriotic enough...maybe we're not thankful enough...maybe our timing is just wrong.

Sometimes I feel like I'm an obligation. No..never mind. Let's be honest. Most of the time, back home, I feel like an obligation.

I've let people make me feel like an obligation. Which has hurt me, more than just my pride, a lot in the past few weeks.

I know I'm not much fun. I have completely no money (no really, none) I very rarely have a babysitter for more than an hour, the better half of me is more than halfway across the world, and I'm pregnant which means no drinking and/or being hot for the time being. Oh..and I have a two year old that I think may actually be purposely trying to drive me mad.

I think part of it may be that people like answers. And I have no answers. When is he going to visit? I dunno. Sometime. When will you know? Eventually. Really close to the time where I go pick him up from the airport. When will he get paid? Um.. well, eventually they'll figure it out. Does he still have to work? (ya..this was an actual question) ...Yes, he has to work. Even if he doesn't get paid..Will he be here when the baby's born? Hopefully. Where do you go next? No idea. When will you be leaving again? See last answer..and add around next spring.

I DON'T KNOW pretty much sums it up.

I understand that a big part of my life seems like it's on hold. And some of it really is on hold. Except that..even while waiting, life goes on. Hope is a choice. And I'm always hoping for answers. And while I'm waiting for one part of my life, I expect all the other parts to keep moving. My pregnancy's progressing while a lot of my friendships are stalling. My child's learning and growing and expanding in every way possible while I feel as tho I'm becoming a hermit. My education is progressing regardless of everything. And I miss my husband badly enough that I consider moving to Korea, right this minute, about twice a week.

I don't like when people look towards us with sympathy.. Because sympathy isn't what I need or want. And I can't get much understanding because that's hard to come by surrounded by civilians. But friendship is always warranted, and friendship feels a whole lot better than the feeling of being an obligation. 

Education Nation

I made the decision a couple weeks ago to transfer into a university. Finally. Instead of just taking classes that will some day go towards a degree, I would actually really pursue a degree. A career. ...ok, not so much a career but a profession.

I thought this was a pretty good decision.

But..I don't think I can do it.

I've been fortunate that so far I've been able to pay for my college through federal funding and scholarships..But transferring into a university guarantees that I'll double my debt..which is nonexistent right now.

Is it worth it? With our economy the way it is, is it worth taking out $20,000 in loans? For school? When really, if the time comes when I need to work I can always find a customer service position somewhere or really focus on Mary Kay? When I've wanted to make money, I've made money...that's not our issue.

I feel like I'm obligated to pursue my education.. and that's on me. Because of me. It's just who I am, I like it. I don't like the feeling that I should pursue an area of education that would lead me to a really good paying job to justify my education.

I have faith that my husband'll be able to find a job outside of the military when the time comes. I don't think we'll even come close to starving. But I also don't think we should use the money he makes to help pay for my education when his education has been hard earned in so many ways. We will have at least 2 children to provide for, our retirement to think of, possibly the college educations of those two children plus the living expenses that comes with..well, living.

Can't figure out if it'll be worth it at this point. When it's something I can pursue later when we're more financially and geographically stable.

I hate coconut.

I'm sorry. But it's true. I can't stand it.. especially the fake, overly sweet, crappy, flake stuff that you can buy by the pound at your local grocery store. It actually makes me ill.

HATE IT.

So it makes me awfully sad that my morning perusing of delicious baking sites was interrupted when I clicked on "Chocolate Chip Magic Bars" only to find out that they are full of crappy flaked coconut. If you are indeed interested in these bars.. here you go Chocolate Chip Magic Bars but for me.. I'm just sad about it. Because in my world coconut does not equal magic. Magic is like.. probably more like this: MAGIC

The thing is..I don't actually (ok, hardly ever) bake any of the delicious goodies I find during my perusing. Because I would get fat. Like a lot. And while you're thinking..well, Ang why don't you just make them and give them away... Well..I'm fairly sensitive to the fact that then I would get blamed for all the millions of people around me who are SUPPOSED to be dieting, getting fat. And I'm not taking that on.

I need someone who lives close enough that cookies/bars/cakes wouldn't go stale while shipping, who isn't worried about getting fat, who would possibly share the cost of baking all these delicious things in return of me baking them and sending them... The deliciousness.

P.S. Have you ever married a guy of German descent and told them that no you will not eat German Chocolate Cake because of the ooey gooey condensed milk/coconut frosting mixture on top? ....ya. Imagine that conversation.

2nd Trimester

Hello second trimester. Official second trimester. We hit 14 weeks a couple days ago..and I am oh so happy that we've made it this far.

The "Oh shit, what have we done?" feeling is slowly wearing off. Maybe. Sometimes. Ok. Probably not.

Auralia says it's a boy..this week. Last week it was a girl. Before that it was a baby cow. So.. her opinion is not to be trusted.

To my "anonymous" commenter... More? Um.. I didn't often blog about my first pregnancy. Not as often as I blogged once Auralia was about a year old. Mostly because there are often mixed opinions about when the husband and I choose to have our children.

I've already gotten some comments like, "Well, I guess this one wasn't planned." Dear friends: Can you guess who would say something like that to me?

Idiots.

I know that there are some people out there that firmly believe that birth control doesn't work. And maybe not all birth control forms work as well as they should, maybe some people are just stupid.. I dunno. But I do know that I don't get pregnant unless I want to. I don't do much of anything unless I want to. So why, oh why, would someone who should really know me by now, assume that this pregnancy was not planned?

Sigh.

Idiots.

Anyway.. because the husband is never here to go through a pregnancy with me, I'm perhaps a little more guarded about what I say, or write, when it comes to my blog. Because with 6 bazillion hormones going through me, plus my regular temperament... I could probably hurt some people's feelings. (Which would probably amuse my "anonymous" commenter...) I would hurt some people's feelings. I have very little control over my thought process, but I tend to have enormous control over what actually comes out of my mouth...as long as I like you. When pregnant, I tend to try to shut my mouth more and get overly protective of my happy little family.

I could and will say, I've gained 5 pounds since moving back to Colorado.. good home cooking plus pregnancy. Not bad considering that I like to eat any way and for about a month I was concentrating on school instead of working out. I'm no longer dizzy, or gagging every other minute...which is a plus. We're still debating on what color to paint the nursery.. and if I haven't stated it before I will now, I'm still being tight lipped about baby names. Or at least our name if it's a girl. That's my small piece of rebellion right now. (Sorry, Mom.) The belly is beginning to show through and my boobs are getting huge. Because that's pregnancy. Sigh.

If you know me, you know that I have a problem with big boobs. I don't care if other people have big boobs but really.. I'm not a fan.

Mostly I'm desperately awaiting news of when Jer's leave will be. If he'll get a visit in before the baby gets here or just when the baby gets here. Desperately waiting for Finance to get off their asses and get his paycheck fixed, because once again in his military career..our pay is fucked up. WWWAAAAAYYYY fucked up. So..waiting for back pay. I'm waiting for it to be September when it will no longer be 90+ degrees in my house.

And I'm knitting. Ya. Knitting. Strange but true.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Finally..a new blog.

No..I haven't blogged in a long long time. I fail. But there were a lot of things I didn't feel like writing about where other people could read. Some day when I'm dead, my great grandchildren will get to read all sorts of interesting journals and blogs and unsent letters.

So..everyone pretty much knows that we are expecting our next baby. That's big news. First trimester is over. OVER. Finally. This first trimester was not fun, not that it was fun with Auralia either, but this one was more scary and not reassuring at all compared to the 24 hour sickness of carrying Auralia. Hence, no blogs.

Husband is not on the same continent as us, once again, during a pregnancy. But that's ok. We deal. That's what we do. And he's pretty happy with where he's working and what he's working on so that's pretty amazing. ...he's not always completely pleased with his assignments.

My two year old..is a two year old. Funny and exasperating and I'm totally overwhelmed with Jer gone.

In another 3ish months we should know where we'll be going next year. In another month and a half we'll know if the to-be-baby is a girl or boy and start planning more of that stuff.

I mostly miss my husband. And sometimes, I feel like the progress of our lives is really just a giant circle.

No More Doom?

I wake up early..mostly so I can do stuff before the child wakes up. When I say "do stuff" I mean...play on the internet in peace. Lol. The dog and the cats get fed, sometimes I start a load of laundry but mostly I sit in my office and peruse the going-ons in the world. You know...Facebook, Pinterest, Mary Kay Intouch, catch up on the blogs that I read, check my email, maybe do some bill paying, occasionally check out the news.

A lot of people I know look for their wisdom of the day in daily Bible readings or other spirtual readings, or self-help books.. And there are many good ones out there. But for me.. I like to read how my fellow bloggers are handling things. Life. Their daily stresses and triumphs. A lot of the blogs I read are fellow military spouses, and some are really wonderful. I like knowing that it's not only our military experience that has been a little rocky.

One blog I read... the spouse has 6 kids under the age of 7. And they like it. But she stresses, and recently blogged about how she hasn't been living life to the fullest. And how a car accident with her husband and a semi involved, nearly changed her whole existance.

I've blogged about it before, and am pretty sure I'll blog about it again... But, why is it, that we get SOOOO caught up in the bullshit that we forget to enjoy ANYTHING? ..People say that we forget to appreciate or enjoy the little things, but I think most of us get so caught up that we don't appreciate ANYTHING.

The past few months have been really hard on me. Duh. They've probably been hard on anyone reading my blogs or just dealing with me in general. I've felt like...I'm crumbling. My resolve, my strength, any iota of optimism I once possessed seemed to have left me...and I wasn't big on optimism in the first place.

Shit happens. And this has been a really shitty couple of months.

And then a couple days ago, I said.. "I took on too much."

....And this is not something that I usually admit. Because usually...it doesn't matter if its all too much. It all gets done, and done pretty well.

But this time.. I really took on too much.

And saying that.. some how relieves me.

Obviously it doesn't relieve me from the things I still have to do.. lol.  But I feel a little bit more free. A little lighter inside.

....Plus I worked my ASS off this weekend getting a crap load of school work done. So I'm feeling a little more caught up on all that..which is a relief.

My neurologist appointment is today, and that still freaks me out a little bit. Except that since my massage, there has been no sharp pain...only pressure. And my neck has popped twice, unexpectedly...in a good way. My parents are on vacation, which means I have 2 large dogs running around my house eating each other... But it makes them happy and as long as they don't wake the child earlier than she usually wakes up, I'm ok it. ..Except I stumbled over 3 dog toys on the way to bed last night.. Why do we buy them toys when they just chew on each other?

I have really great babysitters who love the child and have been more than willing to give me the much needed time for homework the last couple weeks. There are people here who love us and have been unbelievably supportive. I still haven't socialized much since I've been back..and for the friends that I haven't seen--well, school's over in a month. We'll talk then.

No. I still don't know what's going on with the Husband V. New Assignment. But...(and this is a strange feeling) I think maybe it'll happen this week.

I don't feel like everything is doomed at this point. Maybe my strength is re-entering my soul. Maybe I'm accepting. Maybe it just takes me weeks to do so.

...I still feel like I need a vacation though. 

I Love.

I love looking at my dog. He's very handsome. And he has blonde eyelashes and soft ears.

I love my daughter's dimples and curls.

I love feeling strong AND flexible.

I love when someone else does the dishes.

I love...gravy.

I love to see the back fence steam.

I love seeing Raja sleep.

I love baking and/or cooking success.

I love blogs.

I love when the husband cooks eggs.. When he's gone I very rarely eat eggs. 

I love paint.

I love seeing my child giggle with her cousin.

I love my ability to see through the old or dirty and to picture what things will look like cleaned and polished up.

I love carbs.

I love when the husband surprises me with Pringles. Or Junior Mints. Or Hot Cheetos.

I love old houses, and hardwood floors.

I love water, and beaches, and salty wind.

I love hot, strong coffee in the mornings. But I LOVE iced chai all day, and hot chai before bed.

I love preggo friends. And acquaintances. ..some strangers.

I love when the child wakes up happy, ready to show off new skills she must've dreamed of.

I love seeing my parents happy.

I love thinking. Thoughts that are progressive.

I love writing, love seeing my scenes, scenarios, thoughts...even frustrations, out of me.

I love candles. And aromatherapy.

I love being recognized for my talents.

I love merging my thoughts and dreams with the husbands thoughts and dreams...and seeing what happens.

I love peach tea.

I love my GPS.

I love tattoos. Especially mine. But there are very few exceptions to tattoos that I don't love.

I love seeing my friends and their talents shine.

I love having pretty toes.

...I love when the child has pretty toes.

I love my bed. Really, a lot.

I love my blue jewelry. It's everything that is me.

I love when the child 'meows'.

I love books. Seeing them, reading them, writing them. All books.

I love hope.

Everything is always about hope. 

Current Info

Pain is a part of life. As is stress. And anger. Frustration. Our bodies take the toll.

When my body starts to get mad at me, that just causes more anxiety on my part. And fear.

A couple weeks ago my PCM referred me to a neurologist to get checked out for neuralgia. The internet-junky that I am, spent a hour then researching neuralgia which thouroughly freaked me out. Enough that I thought to myself... It's just stress. I cancelled the appointment, moved into my new house and I sit here, awaiting the husband's new orders to find out what's going on in my life.

And yet..the shooting pains running up the base of my skull have come back. Causing untold anxiety.

So more research was needed. And I reinstated my appointment with the neurologist.

Stress related occipital neuralgia exists.

And yes.. I also have a massage scheduled for this week.

So.. Life is very strange right now.

Illiterate

I haven't read a whole book in over 6 weeks.

I have started school, I take my first math test of the semester tonight. My head already hurts. ...But that could be from dealing with a whole lot of not so much fun stuff the last 48 hours.

I signed my lease today, and it looks like I'll be moving in some time around the 15th.. A couple rooms need painted before I move my stuff in, so a day or 2 of painting and cleaning will happen before the actual moving happens.

We're throwing Auralia a mini birthday party this Saturday.. mostly because we don't actually know if Jer'll get here for it. Part of the stupid craziness of the last 48 hours.. so to everyone who wasn't invited..don't feel bad, and don't get mad at me. ..It'd be a pointless anger, as I wouldn't give crap at this point.

The last 7 days have just been some of those days.. where everything seems to be against us. Makes you rethink everything. Life is supposed to be as hard as you make it, we're supposed to accept the things we can't change...but how many times are we supposed to try to change before the acceptance comes?

I was stupid. So completely stupid to think that being here would make it all easier. ..It will probably get easier in a few weeks, once we get back on track. But there has been nothing easy about any of this so far.

I should be grateful. Grateful and accepting. And blah blah blah blah. 


I'm grateful that I've had a place to live the last few weeks. I'm grateful that we're close to good doctors as my child has been picking up every single germ possible the last few weeks. I'm grateful to ibuprofen. ..Mostly grateful that I've gotten to see some friends the last week that I haven't seen in a really long time, and really grateful that I get to see more over the weekend and next week.Grateful that our taxes are filed..not so happy that our return didn't get here on time to help pay my deposit...but still, grateful that I will be getting it in the next couple days.

I want the next two years to be done. I want my degree finished. This year. Eventually I'd like to listen to the news, or read news articles without worrying if anybody I know is hurt or dead. Or going to be stampeded by angry communists.

I can accept that this is what we signed up for. This is the choice we made. I can accept that I have to work really hard to finish my degree this year, but that it's really possible to have my bachelor's by Christmas. I can accept that the last 6 weeks have just been life, and life comes with eventual death. I can accept that some people around me are just miserable, and they don't see any light.

I'm grateful for the light here.

There are parts of the last few days that I can't accept, but that I have to tolerate.. because it's his job and he works with people who don't know what they're doing. Or just hate us.

I try to think they don't do this to us on purpose.. really. Although, we are screwed quite often.

I'm grateful for any 15 minutes that I can have alone. Or 5. Or even 2.

Too many drafts

Sometimes there are just too many words to say. Believe me, I have too many drafts. And that's what I do to soothe myself.

Single phrases throughout the day are starting to effect all of us.

I miss my husband.

And my bed.

Eulogy

Death sometimes steals our words.


But I think in this case, there are just too many words to choose from.


First of all...there are so many left to mourn him. His wife, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren as well as more family and friends all over the world. He was known for his boisterous voice, his impeccable style, the way he always smelled good, and most of all... how he loved.


He loved every single one of us, his family and his friends were his life, and he loved life.
As a retired Command Sergeant Major of the US Army, he had pride that resonated, in his country and those who served or continue to serve it.
 

He taught us how to live life to the fullest. How to appreciate it. How to triumph in it.

We’ll always remember how he loved to dance with us. We’ll remember how special a trip to the movies, or to the ice skating rink-- or even a simple trip to the park to feed the ducks could turn out to be when we were with him. He taught us the best ways to celebrate Halloween and Christmas, he could tell the best bedtime stories, and he collected caps and Cadillacs with the best of them.

I hope we think of him every time we see a good movie or watch a good football game, or drive a good car.

I hope we always remember how holding his hand or sitting next to him made us feel safe.

So, here's a thank you to Command Sergeant Major Rudolph Caddy. Thank you for being the husband, father, grandfather, and friend that you were. Thank you for loving us, for showing your pride in us, accepting us all for what we are and for teaching us how to celebrate life.

Reason

My mom dances with Auralia in the kitchen. My baby loves music.

And I tried, really hard, to believe that this is one of the reasons why we are here.

I don't know if that's significant or not. I guess the significant part is the 'trying' part.

Is it just hindsight that makes 2009-2010 look easier than it was? I don't remember it being easier exactly... More, I had a goal. And this time I have goals as well, but they don't seem as important this time.

If one more person asks me if I'm glad to be home... I'll probably slap them.

It's unbelievably insulting.