Are you listening?

I made my first big-ish ham today, for the Easter holiday.

We both agreed that we wished we were by our families for the holidays... this was the first big holiday where we didn't see mine or his. And the first one where Auralia might have had fun getting Easter baskets and hunting eggs with family. She had to live with one Easter basket, a package from Oma and Opa, and such...shared with Tuck.

I thought about painting...but just can't find the mood to do it.

We've thought about re-enlisting for Colorado... How many of you will say, "That's just because you want to be by your family." ?

How many of you would rather us not re-enlist and just go back to Colorado and try to find jobs, try to find babysitters and such?

We want his degree and we'd rather the military pay for it. We want to be by the companies that he might want to work for once he has his degree. We want sun and snow and rain. And just in case he is deployed again in the next couple years..yes, I'd rather be by our family.. ..Because I know that if I was away, and he was deployed, they'd just come and pack me up and bring me back to them anyway.

It's who we are.

A Military Home has been published, it was written in about half an hour, the night before it was due to ENG 101. And in A Military Home there are a lot of things I wrote that are true, completely true. But now that I've lived here.. I know that there's a lot of things I didn't, and really..couldn't have..known then.

A military home...changes. Adapts. It doesn't just wait because it is too fluid to wait. It waits with hope, and love, and tolerance.

How many families have lived in the house I live in now? Who tried to bang pictures into the walls just as I have?..it's damn near impossible. Who tried to grow flowers in the yard, and who would ever install a towel hook right by the toilet? Who brought new babies here, who went through deployments and redepoyments here?

How many people hoped for better?

We don't wait. We plan. We think and re-think every option, every plan, every thing that might be an opportunity. We're not naive, and both of us are fairly smart...we're thinking ten, twenty, thirty years down the road, not one or three.

Sometimes I feel like you're not really listening.

An Outrage, A Plan, A Thank You

I feel like my keyboard's dusty.. but it's not. Not really.

Instead of blogging, I've been emailing and on the phone. Back and forth, back and forth, with multiple people talking and debating. Well, maybe not debating. More like bitching. Ranting.

In my last blog I explained about the Brandon's. One in Japan, one deployed. The one deployed..his wife's by herself, pregnant, and probably already thinking about whether or not he's gonna get home in time to see his baby born.

She was supposed to not be alone, the plan was for her to not be alone.. well, plans fail. That is my experience at least. And I say that it's not right for her to be alone. (She knows how outraged I am about this subject)

The new plan is for me to be her birth coach, be there with her the last few weeks of her pregnancy until Brandon swoops in to save the day...which I'm sure he'll try his best to accomplish :) But just in case.. I'll be there, not to save the day, but just so she doesn't go through that day alone. Those weeks alone.

I was not alone. I had friends and family that embraced me and my to-be-born baby right away...who swore that they'd be there for me if I needed them. And my husband did get home in time, but only because I didn't realize I had been in labor for days before...What can I say? I have a high pain tolerance.. apparently what you think are Braxton-hicks contractions are sometimes the real thing..

A friend told me, "This is a really nice thing that you're doing for them." It's not about the nice. It's about family and love and what is right and wrong.. which the right and wrong stuff..I'm pretty fluid in my opinions about that.. But it's wrong for her to be alone. And it's right for me to be there.  Brandon came to me a few days before I delivered Auralia. Not that I would've needed him to hold my hand in the delivery room, but just the fact that I know I could've had his hand if I needed it.. it's enough. And I'll be damned if Courtney's gonna be alone those last few weeks.

Instead she'll be bombarded with Auralia and I.. and then with Jeremey. And then Brandon and their new baby.. and then we'll be getting out of the way.

Dear Brandon and Courtney: I know you guys'll read this... And I speak for both Jeremey and I when I say how proud we are of you both of you. You'll both be stronger then ever imaginable after this next year, and know that no matter what we're here for you guys in every way possible. And let's get stationed together next time.  8D

Dear Everyone One Else Reading This: If you were around when I was pregnant and Jer was away, and you talked to me once a week, or once a month, or once every 3 months. Thank you. Most of you did nothing except wish me well ...but there were those Crystal's and Adam's and Mom's and Dad's (on both sides) the Brandon's,  a few extended family members, the Alex and Dan's, Chrissy's, Amber's, Tyler's.. and the list goes on and on.. who really did help. (If I didn't mention you're name, it's because I only have so much time before the baby wakes up from her nap and I'm trying to get this out..) The situation Courtney's in right now makes me think back and remember how fortunate I was to have you guys.. and I hope I let you know it at the time.

You know what else I'm fortunate about: That I got to go out and buy a new carpet shampooer 8D Yep.

And the decisions that we're making for the future.. well, that's another blog.

His VS Mine

I've had some questions about some blogs and some comments that I've made and some comments the hubby has made concerning "The Brandon's" Lol.

I have a Brandon. Jer has a Brandon. While we use the "my Brandon" or "Jer's Brandon" in conversation, or when one of them calls us (me), really...they're both of ours. (Mine)

My Brandon (you know who you are) was really a friend of Jer's before I came into that crowd.. But, then I took over and he quickly became my best friend. Bwahaha. And now... He's married to another best friend of mine, has joined the military like all of us did, and lives in Japan...And still gets the Greatest Friend Ever Achievement Award. Especially since we can still talk for hours (til the Magic-Jack fails) and use words like "chomo".

Jer's Brandon...is a family member, one that I clicked with right away. It's probably our love for sarcastic comments and general not-nice personalities that keeps us amused with each other. Also in the military, he's fighting in Afghanistan while his gorgeous new wife preps for their first baby to be born later this year. ...He was one of the few people that really actually helped me get through Jer's deployment while I was pregnant, so I hope I'm helping them through his deployment this time around.

They're mine because I don't know what I'd do without them. Both of them. For very, very different reasons. They're Jer's too...because they were his first and he's just as close to them. But, for arguments sake...they're both mine. 8D

Sun and Such

Today was a sunny day. As soon as I woke up and saw the sun I started making plans; how I'm going to make my old papa-san chair into a planter, how I'm going to paint and hang flower boxes, what I'm going to plant in all of the above.

I didn't hurt today.

I haven't taken any Ibuprofen, any Valium and by now I've usually taken several doses of the Ibuprofen and am getting ready to take my nightly dose (well, half a dose because I'm a paranoid freak) of the Valium.

I've had a couple beers, we barbequed, I painted my flower pots.

The dog is sleeping on the floor, the cats are sleeping on the couch, and the baby is getting ready for bed.

It's days like this that I miss. The normal days, the family days where we can be together and talk and laugh and do things that we enjoy. The days that we get to enjoy together.

 We've discussed and debated about what we'll be doing for the next few years, and we have decided to reenlist for 3 years. That was the easy part. It's harder to decide if he wants to change his MOS, go back to AIT and cop a bonus or if he wants to stay in an MOS and pick a post that would be close to a school that he wants to finish his degree at. Well... that's what we're deciding now. And we'll be starting the paperwork for all of it in the next week or 2.

Except we just found out that somehow he's on firefighting detail in Idaho sometime in the next month or 2...but nobody knows when or how that happened... That's the military for you.

I painted a flower pot and my 2 flower boxes so far tonight, and I sang out loud while Jer took care of the baby and puppy. And it felt right. It felt normal.

My parents are coming out in a few weeks too, and that feels normal. That feels right.

It feels like I have 18 days to make sure my house is clean to my mother's standards. Lol.

I think everyone who lives in this area should have a grow-light. I now understand why tanning beds are so popular. The sun does magical things.

As Seen on Oprah

Our First Lady has been fairly outspoken about helping out military families since her husband's been in office. This is a good thing.

MWR programs, FRG programs, programs for spouses and children are all really great things. Education for military families, jobs for military spouses, fun and food for everyone...it's all good, right? She starts her national tour to explain how she wants to help this week...she's been touched by all of our stories and wants the whole wide world to know that we are strong, that we are capable, but that the civilian world should understand our stress and strife and feel sorry for us.

Personally I don't feel like I need anyone's pity.

Personally I feel like someone who's so understanding and outspoken about military families should try to put some pressure on finding out what's going on with federal spending v. budget cuts. And then maybe she should explain to us what'll be happening to the military come the end of September.

Ugh.

I'm not mad. I just don't understand why issues aren't getting addressed by people who could be addressing them.

Do public figures, who people look up to, have an obligation to address the issues that they say are important? Wouldn't it be better for them to stand up and say that they don't understand but will find the answers? 

What bothers me is the not knowing... of course. Lol. Wouldn't it be better to tell us that there's no money, that our military can dissolve? Or tell us which programs are going to be cut, what is going to cost us more money, if the paychecks will be coming? Just a little warning would be better than nothing.

A couple weeks ago I thought the hard part of the next couple months would us be deciding whether or not to stay in the military... now the hard part's figuring out if there will be a military.

The Shut Down

I don't think there's a military spouse out there that hasn't been watching the news or at least tracking the news online about the government shutting down. But most of us probably had doubts that the government would actually stop paying us, or maybe we just really really hoped that they'd resolve whatever issues that are keeping them from paying us.

Well.. today, Leave and Earnings statements are out.. these are like paystubs for all you non-military folk out there. And they say that we will only be receiving half of what we're supposed to.

Congratulations government: you've just pissed off the most powerful group of people in the world: Military Spouses.

I've heard that this fiasco isn't getting resolved because of different bills waiting to be passed, about disagreements between the parties, different ideas about what in the budget should be cut...Are you kidding me?  This is about a power trip between a bunch of law-makers, all with wedgies, trying to decide how to get the upper hand for the next elections. Who do you think the military will be voting for the next time around? ..the person who stopped paychecks or the person who laid out a reasonable budget for the military? Reasonable. If they said we're cutting your pay by a hundred bucks a month for the next year. well.. suck, but that's be a whole shit load better than them saying we don't know when you'll get your next paycheck.

The law says that Obama, our Congress members and Senators pay cannot be effected by a government shut down because they are essential people so they should get paid. But they can refuse to accept that pay... and a few Senator's have decided to do just that.. what do you think happens to that money if they refuse it? What do you think would happen if all the deployed soldiers around the world stopped working at midnight when this shut down is official? ...I bet somebody in the government would start thinking that soldiers are also essential.

I'd sure like some of Obama's $400,000 salary since the next paycheck we'll receive will be right about $500. And when will we be receiving a paycheck after that? ...man, that's a good question.

This has happened before. This has happened all over history. George Washington's troops went without pay. food. clothes... so we'll be alright...right? Eventually they'll figure out how to pay us.. maybe they'll ask China for a loan. Maybe I should ask China for a loan. I have better credit at this point. 

Waiting, eh.. I dunno anymore.

The difference between the me right now and the me a few years ago is the simple fact that I've learned to wait. Not with patience, Lord knows I have no patience... but I do have a surprising amount of tolerance now.

Dear the Jer's Brandon: you apparently have no patience either. Why are you so eagerly awaiting my blogs? Lol.

Back to tolerance vs patience. Back to waiting. I waited at home, cell phone attached to me at all times, while he was in basic and AIT. I waited for paychecks then didn't come for months. I waited until I had enough money to move to be with him during an unbelievably long AIT, long enough to justify a move, but just a few days short of the military moving me on their budget... of course. We waited for orders, we checked the ERB every week, we watched while they changed every few weeks and we prayed that we'd get acceptable orders. We waited for a sign on bonus. I waited to tell my family and friends about our pregnancy. I waited until they knew he'd be going to Iraq right away. I waited for emails, phone calls, bad skype connections. I waited for for her kicks, her hiccups, for the time where I wouldn't be able to see my feet anymore. And then I prayed he'd get back in time to see his daughter born. I waited for his R&R dates to be approved, I waited for his call saying he was back in the states, and for his flight info to know where I could pick him up.
We waited and then got impatient and then induced. Thank God. We waited for her to scream, waited to see what her Apgar score would be, waited to see how she would handle life being outside a womb. And then he left again. And I started waiting again...but with less intensity.

I took pictures. I did crafts. I took videos. I sent him everything I could possibly think of to make him feel like he wasn't missing out on the first months of her life. But..of course he was. So of course, we were waiting for him to come home.

I waited to book my trip to a post across the country where he'd be landing eventually. I waited for an FRG member to contact me. I still waited for a sign on bonus that I should've gotten months and months ago. I waited for my baby to start crawling. I waited in a hotel room for two days until an FRG member finally did call me. I waited another few hours for another FRG member to call me with the correct information. I waited for hours to pick him up that night.

I waited for the movers to come pack up my house and take me away from my family and friends that had helped me get through all the above waiting.

I waited on buying a car to make sure we'd be able to afford things out here. I waited on trying to find a job, a school, a babysitter, a dog, a home off post that could really be a home. I waited because we were waiting for orders. Again. But now, I'm no longer waiting.

Ta Da.

No.. we don't have new orders. But we know he won't be moved in the next year unless he re-enlists. Knowing anything in this world is progress. So in the next few weeks we'll decide what to do.

Ever felt like everything coming together at the right moment is false? Too good to be true? In my life.. it's too good to be true. I should've known better to even try to live off post...military housing is a trap. Should've known better than to start believing the military wouldn't actually be deliberately trying to screw us over..right?

Yesterday, or even the day before that... I could've gotten on here and rambled and bitched and bitched and bitched some more.. But what would've been the point? At that point it wouldn't have made me feel any better and the only reason I do this is to make myself feel better. And to get Jer's Brandon off my back about blogging.. 8D

This whole military thing.. it's like a woman and man trapped in a bad relationship. No matter how fucked over you get you just don't leave. I tell people all the time, love isn't enough. We don't by any means love the army, we don't by any means trust the army. So why wouldn't we leave the army at the first opportunity?

Security? ..I have a house, I have a paycheck, I have insurance. But my husband can be deployed at any time. Is it worth it? We're trying to make it work for us. Another few years, another degree, another security clearance.. and then we're set to do what we want to do.

Is all of this worth it?

Unfortunately, I happen to think it is.

Which, I'm afraid makes me fairly masochistic.