Before and After and other words.

We often use 'before and after' as prepositions instead of adverbs in the military.

Before he deployed.

After R&R.

Before training.

After in-processing.

And 'until' becomes awfully important.

Eventually 6 weeks turns into 3 days before he leaves. Eventually that can turn into 3 months until I see him again. After training, before deployment.. we should take a vacation.

'Someday' takes precedence.

Did you know that the offical Scrabble rules say that you cannot use foreign words? See:   English-language game of Scrabble, foreign words cannot be placed on the Scrabble board.

Soupir.

Multiplication

It'll be ok.

Times 3.

Has to be.

Versus

Drawing a line down the center of the paper to deal with the pros and cons is absolutely a good thing to do. If more people did this, I wouldn't have to listen to so many people bitch about their decisions. I could just listen to my own bitching, which I definitely prefer.


I don't actually practice the drawing of a line down the paper physically. I just do it in my head. I like diagrams. I like charts. Mostly I like paper that has been colored or drawn on. Actually, really I like ANYTHING that has been colored or drawn on.

I've gotten off subject.

Ok.

Tomorrow is Monday. And the beginning of an INSANE week.  Thank God. We've finally made it to this week. Finally. Even better: I'm damn close to being done packing. As of Tuesday we'll be living out of suitcases and sleeping on our mattress on the floor with sleeping bags.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I do NOT like it here. I don't really mean to offend any one that does like it here, or any of the truly amazing people that I've met here. But seriously. My head hurts here. My sinuses are weeping. Actually, they're pounding.

If it doesn't rain.. or if it rains lightly, the air turns stagnant in about 2 seconds.. This is not an observation, this is weather channel FACT. Humidity + stagnant air = mold. I'm not talking about the regular mold spores that every day cleaning gets rid of.. I'm talking about the mold that grows naturally in air vents and under carpet and behind my nasty rubber baseboards...the places my property management company says that I'm not supposed to clean because it would mean tearing my house apart.

So I can't breath unless I spend a good chunk of my day outside or just not in my house.. which I can do. Except for those weeks where I'm stuck inside and packing. Not all of the properties that this particular property management company owns are like this, or so I hear. These houses are just really, really old. In fact, their so old that in the next couple years, they're scheduled to be demolished. They've already started tearing down the playgrounds around the neighborhood.

When it does rain here. It rains. And it rains. And it rains some more. And then it won't rain, but there will just be ominous clouds. And I'll wake up in the morning, open my back door to let the dog outside, and look at the sky, and think to myself... Please. Please just let me see the sun a little. Just a little. ...I don't give a damn about cold or hot or snow or ice.. But EVERYONE, any sane person.. needs to see the sun every once in awhile. 


Next week, it'll be cold where I am. Really, really f-ing cold. The dog will probably be begging me for a sweater. The baby will probably be playing in the snow. And I will be right there with her.

And I'll be able to breathe again. To think again.

Finally.

9 days and counting

Technically it doesn't really matter if the carpet gets vacuumed today, or if freshly laundered clothes get hung up. I really, really need to focus on that. It doesn't matter that the house is starting to echo. Or that Auralia decided to try to paint her nails. ...With clear nail polish, fortunately.

It doesn't matter.

We're 9 days away from moving day.

So what matters is that, most of my belongings are packed. I don't think I've done any lasting damage to my child's psychological well-being during this process, so far. My husband's still talking to me. My dog has not tried to dig a gigantic hole in the backyard for 2 days in a row now, and it looks like the weather may hold in time for me to drive to Colorado. No major snow storms at least.

I always said that if Jer was deployed again, I'd move back to Colorado. Again. But saying that, thinking that, knowing that I would indeed do it... doesn't make it any easier. A part of me is ashamed for going back home. I know other women who stay where they hate to be when their husband deploys... Sometimes it's because they can't afford to move themselves back home, and maybe some because they feel like it's their "sacrifice" to their husband, to their country.. To stay where they don't want to be while their spouse is off somewhere fighting. Well.. I'm not that good of a person, and I have the money to move. Hence.. me moving.

But while we know I can't get a command sponsorship to go where Jer's going, I could technically move myself to Korea. Not that he'd get to live with me. I could see if my parents or Jer's parents would watch all of my animals for a year, I could sell all of our stuff and go find an apartment semi close to Jer. Auralia would look awfully cute speaking a different language.

Technically it's a possibility. Albeit a really freaking expensive possibility. Between now and July I could probably save up the money to move to Korea. Maybe. It'd be close.

This is our life.

Am I screwing up the child or our marriage by choosing to stay stateside?

Paper

We are coming to the time in Auralia's life where she's beginning to take pride in her accomplishments, and can vocalize or demonstrate that she wants nothing more than our pride in her as well.

She's so funky, this child of ours. A mix of Jeremey and I, so completely and undeniably ours. She seems to have taken bits and pieces of both of us to meld perfectly into Auralia.

My child of hope.

Auralia hands me paper every day. Every hour. Sometimes it seems like every minute. Parts of the day are spent coloring outside the lines, learning the alphabet or recognizing shapes. I draw heads and stick people, elephants and cows, giraffes, mice, barns, moons, bones, moose, and more. My artistic ability is growing by leaps and bounds. And she takes pride in coloring in their eyes, or ears, hair or boogers. She loves to draw boogers. She loves to draw sticks and circles that she calls hearts.

It makes me yearn.

Sometimes the need to express myself is overwhelming. And perhaps Auralia understands this more than most people.

The need to press pencil, pen, paintbrush or crayon to paper can consume me. The urge to tap a keyboard or to stroke piano keys is like a nicotine craving, sharp and serrated. And the urge should be so easy to fulfill.

How is it that these urges, these cravings and needs to express ourselves, that most women feel, get pushed aside? The same way we get so busy that we forget we need to pee, we toss aside our thoughts, feelings, and dreams because we're too busy to listen to ourselves.

Or we're too afraid to.

I want to write. Something that will move people. That will make people yearn, or their hearts swell, stomach's drop, eyes fill.

I want souls to quiver.

Maybe it starts now. Maybe it starts with Auralia holding up a notebook and a crayon to me and saying, "Paper, Mama."

From: Passing the Light. By Chesnay Susan Thomas 1968

i will
dance naked
when i first
learn
to walk...
and there
will be
a rainbow of light
colors
to blind
the binding minds
the closed hearts
of the men and women
who said
"never"
i will not
simply walk
but
fly
with wings of gold
woman
warrior
feeling with a heart
the fineness of the journey
and dancing naked
at the edge of dawn
is the gate
that moves my soul
into the endless
realm
of possibility

Appreciating Anticipation

"We can always do that next year!"

...not so great words for a military family. And probably heard more around the holidays than any other time of year. There is SO much to do around the holidays with family and friends, really cool things to take the baby to, great experiences, great food, and not enough time over holiday weekends to fit it all in. Which is ok... I don't need to overwhelm or overfeed my family too much, because we always have next year to experience it all together. Right?

Well, not so much.

There are not too many things worst or even close to as bad as a deployment, but anticipating a deployment might just be up there on the top of my list. You start thinking about what he's gonna miss...different holidays, birthdays, anniversaries plus the day-to-day drivel that becomes important once your spouse is gone and missing it.

So for the next few weeks we'll recognize and appreciate the memories we're making. Every day. Every moment. Which isn't something that every family takes the opportunity to do. Thinking about how your spouse will most likely be gone for the next Thanksgiving or the next Christmas, and a child's birthday or two, makes every day that you are sharing together a little more appreciable.

A lot bittersweet.

A lot more important.

Inconvienent Hampering

I have been grumpy. And most of it I can just blame on PMS or hormones or whatever, but a large part of it is that I feel inconvenienced. I really hate that.

It all comes down to the choices that we've made, or haven't made. And I do indeed feel like most of the time, we make the right choices. There's a reason, somewhere out there, that my husband needs to be away from me and my child for long periods of time. I won't know it until I get to look back on the period of time, but I'm sure it'll be there. I just can't seem to comfort myself with that fact though. Not yet.

The months after our daughter was born while he was away, was a time where I was needed at home with my parents. In specific, my mom needed me while she underwent multiple surgeries. And while that's a really shitty reason to be needed back home, it gave us time together that I wouldn't give up for the whole wide world. She's closer to my daughter than I could ever hope, and she taught me in those months how to be a better mother to my daughter.

In the next coming months I'll finish my degree in Colorado, I'll be needed if my mother does need yet another surgery, I'll be around family who, while they don't really need me.. Maybe they'll do better when I'm around.

But man, my head hurts.

It's so much different thinking about separation when you have a child who knows that their parent is gone.

How am I supposed to teach her strength and courage and resiliency except for by example? And while that's all good in theory, we haven't actually tried it out yet. (Enter tearful chuckle here)

I think, one of the best parts of being a parent, is getting to share it. And one of the saddest parts of the military, is how sharing is often hampered.

How do you spell that?

K-O-R-E-A

That's what's going on.

Yep.

July of next year, Jer reports, unaccompanied by moi, (due to the fact that where he's going to in Korea doesn't want family members) he'll be there for a year.

So.. I'll be moving back to Colorado around Christmas time of this year.. because in January he reports to Arizona, unaccompanied by moi, again (due to the fact that the military hates us)... he'll be there til mid June.

Does this suck or what?

Ya.

That's about all I got right now... today is a busy day. So, more later.

My Child Loves Ham.

Blogging has not been on my list of things-to-do recently...which isn't a necessarily a bad thing. My life has been busy. I'm working from home, handling a 15-credit school load for the first time in years, have been in Colorado, been sick, been diagnosed with kidney stones, and I have a sick toddler. Plus normal every day duties.

I like being busy. I really, really enjoy it. Except for when I'm tired. I've felt just utterly exhausted for about 4 days now.

And I feel...ultimately blessed, because I have a husband who doesn't mind taking care of things either while I'm gone, or when I come back from vacation sick and in pain and with a very cranky baby.

I was reading a magazine article yesterday about the life lessons you learn from your children.. one parent had said, "I learned that love at first sight really does exist." Did I love my baby at first sight? I really did, and I know (and completely understand) parents who don't absolutely love their little one at first sight. Pregnancy, birth, and hormones are all tricky things even in the best of situations..so I understand that it can take some time to bond with a baby... But I was one of those parents that loved my baby as soon as I had her in my arms. More than that tho... I think I loved her from conception.

Does that make parenting easy? Nope. Does it give me a different perspective? Nope. Does that make her an easy-going, quiet as a mouse, sitting still child? Not even a little bit.

I love her for her opinions. I love that she's living in a world where I can listen to her opinions, that I can have pride in her intelligence, her charm, AND her tantrums.

I thought that when I was pregnant, and then the first 6 months of her life while the husband was deployed, that it would be probably one of the hardest things to get through, ever. Pregnancy alone is infinitely easier than taking care of a baby alone. But none of it turned out to be as hard as I thought. When the husband did come home, I thought.. leaving Colorado would be hard, and it was. I thought, the husband and the baby getting to know each other would be hell.. And it was. I also thought... I can't wait until she can actually communicate what she wants to us. Won't it be easier when she can actually say if something hurts or if she's mad or sad or hungry, or at least answer a yes or no question?

Now she says... "Hun-Gee, Mama." "Kitchen." Which does indeed give me a clue. Then she says, "Ham. Ham. Mama. Ham." That also gives me a clue. But God help us if we are out of ham and you try to give the child a piece of turkey or roast beef instead.

Point of this blog.. not much really. Actually, pretty much no point at all except for I had thoughts to get out.

Juggling

There's a house down the street, one where the lights can often be seen burning all through the night. There are two cars in the driveway, although you'll only see one ever move. A woman, relatively young is often seen entering and exiting this house. She juggles. She will juggle books, children, pets, grief, loneliness, work, family, friends, chores, daily ups and downs, ups and downs and down some more...

Juggling is a necessary skill in this neighborhood. And those that drop their balls are often called weak. And those that are weak, don't usually live here for long.

Eyes can stay shadowed for months, dogs may bark when a twig is blown by the wind, and babies may scream 22 hours a day. Routine jobs are seldom held, oil changes are usually forgotten and chicken nuggets may be on the dinner table tonight.

But the floor is vacuumed and most likely Febreeze'd. Scentsey candles fragrance the air because Linda, two doors down, just had a party. The kitchen is swept and mopped, the laundry is folded, and the dishes done.

Makes you wonder what the important "balls" are.

Howling

My husband is NOT deployed. So I really have no right to complain. Training is a part of the military, and he does his duty by going to wherever they tell him to go and doing what needs to be done. It's all good.

But it's awfully hard for me to not complain when the training has nothing to do with his job and I have a howling 18 month old.

HOWLING.

18 month old lungs are a hell of a lot louder than a 3 month old set. That's what I've decided. I think she's trying to be sick and that's just gonna top this week off.

Unfortunately I've been pretty freaking unproductive with work this week and that just makes me feel bad. Sigh. No new names or faces but that's ok... the rest of the week'll get better.

That'll be my mantra... The rest of the week has to be better.

Cocoa Puffs

I usually love August no matter where I  am. Last August we moved to where we are now and enjoyed the last weeks of summer...if you could call it the summer.

I love the anticipation that August brings. Kids going back to school, waiting for the leafs to change, Halloween decorations starting to grace the stores. September in Washington bothers me..but August I'm ok with.

Jer left this morning for training...He'll be gone about 3 weeks and that's ok. It sucks for the obvious reasons but I'll deal. The baby will hopefully deal as well. This is the first time since his deployment that he's left her for more than 24 hours..although, the baby and I frequently travel to see family so I think she's used to not seeing him for a week or more at a time. Nevertheless, this is the longest period of time they'll go without each other since he returned last year. It'll be interesting to see what happens.

We've started to discuss where I should live while he's in AIT again next year. We have about 5 months to figure it out which seems like a lot, but really isn't. I could just stay here...during the wet season of Washington with my will-be 2 year old. I have some friends, although most'll be moving in the next couple months but I'd live. Make new friends. I could move myself down to Arizona for a couple months... try to find a house that'll take me, my child, my two cats and large dog for 4 months. "It's only discrimination if you actually say what you're thinking" is coming to mind. Or I could see if my parents or Jer's parents want company for a few months... Save my BAH. That'd be close to $5,000 saved just in rent money...that's a lot. But I'd have to figure out where to put all of us and such.

Anyway...it's being discussed, and we're open to suggestions if anyone has anything useful to suggest.

Business is going better than expected, so I'm happy with that.

I guess the major thing right now is Jer being gone for the next few weeks. It means I get the tv all night, which is nice. And all the Cocoa Puffs. Yep. Adam's coming to visit which is good.. but will set the neighbor's gossip chain on fire I'm sure... Who's that strange man who's staying with her while her husband's away? I'm sure I'll be getting a call from Jer's commander. Lol.

Leafy Green Vegetables

Did I lose my courage once I got married or once we joined the military or once we had a baby?

..I would hate to think it was any of those things.

I know it isn't marriage that changed my view on a lot of things. I am one of the very few people I know who can say that I have a completely supportive husband and that we're absolutely happy together. Have I changed since we've been together? Absolutely. But if anything, my relationship with Jer lifts me up and makes me a better person.

Having a baby? ...well, that puts a lot of things into perspective, and again makes me a better person. I'd like to think that I'm a pretty good mom, but I've only been doing this for about 18 months so I have the rest of my life to decide exactly where I've screwed up. It's maybe made me more cautious about things like making sure we're more financially responsible then we once were or keeping leafy green vegetables in the house.

The military... Bah. Is probably the culprit of my pseudo-insanity. Things can change in an instant in my life so I try to be prepared as much as possible. And I'm really not against change so I think I do ok. But I think in the last few years I've let it dictate our lives to a point... which is also probably something you sign up for when you enlist. It's also another reason I keep leafy green vegetables in my house all of a sudden.

I decided to start Mary Kay, not because I'm oh so into their cosmetics.. although I love lots of their skin care products and adore the eyeliner.. BUT, lol, I started it because of the company. Because it's really an inspirational company and I think I needed something a little inspirational. I like doing things.. any thing, that keeps me busier then I am right now.. But I love being a stay-at-home mom. And even though I was apprehensive about starting this, it's been less then a week and I'm already having fun. FUN. I wasn't expecting that. And I'm already making more money then I thought I would. And that's fun too.

This is not an advertisement for Mary Kay, this is just all my feelings about what I'm doing right now. I've put makeup on 6 out of 7 days in the last week. My nails are pretty. I've talked to neighbors who I've never really talked to before, my husbands coworkers, family, and friends...which makes me about 200% more social than usual. I've met a whole roomful of women who support me and my business and are dedicated to helping me when I need it.

How many times have you walked into a room full of women and not been glared at by at least one of them? Can you even imagine being automatically supported by 10 women you've never met?

I have to thank Sarah for asking the one question that really made me do this and that was, "Why are you scared?"

She hit it on that one, without really knowing she did. And while inside of me, there was a little twinge of hurt...it wasn't in any way her fault. It's been my fault for letting myself go on cruise control for the last year.. We've been trying to avoid bumps and wreckage and now I'd rather take the steps to overcome the bumps and wreckage instead of avoiding them.

And I think that may be healthier for me right now.

So today has been a good day, and I'd like to thank every one that has been supportive of my decisions the last year or so and I hope that I've been as supportive to everyone else.

Good Weekend mostly

Everything I write usually comes out of me in a one or two week time period every month. Obviously most women are more emotional/hormonal one or two weeks out of the month and I'm no different then them... But I've only now realized the timing behind all of this.

Today, I'm frustrated. I wasn't. We had a really good weekend, one of those weekends that you'll probably remember forever even though nothing really eventful actually occurred...it was just a really great weekend in the sun...which means away from the house. And we all needed it.

I can't really dwell on what's happening a thousand miles away from me. Of course, I care. But it's not my life, and we have lots of things going on here.

I got a job... One that I think I'll be really happy with and that'll be lucrative enough. I received my starter-packet and my first customers this weekend so I'm getting all set up, I only wish I had a little more cash to invest in some really neat start-up things...but I know I can make things work without it too.

All of my friends and family, wherever you are: If you are interested, or just really need to make some extra cash, let me know. You might think selling things like Mary Kay is beneath you...until you hear all the benefits. Even though I am a thousand miles away from most of you, I'm more then happy to call or email or send you information that could be life changing for some of you. And I know how much even an extra couple hundred dollars a month can help.

Jer heads to Texas sometime in August for training... Ick.

This year seems to be flying by.

Opportunity.

Change is a good, necessary thing. I'm a firm believer of that.

A lot of civilians make fun of the fact that a lot of military spouses work from home. Often times we sell things whether it be beauty products, candles, incense, crafts, artwork, sex toys or health products.

I have sold things in the past... Not since I've been a military spouse, but on and off since I was 16 I've worked from home or out of my home depending on the time. I'm quite good at selling things, there have been many other friends of mine who try to get me to sell stuff for them. But I haven't succumbed yet.

Not because I care what those civilians think... But because for awhile I just didn't want to sell anything. I didn't want to start ANYTHING new.

The government tells military spouses that they've teamed up with oh so many companies and businesses that want to hire us because they'll now receive bonuses from the government if they hire us. Well.. that may be true.. But I have a fairly impressive resume, I have really unbelievably good references and a fair amount of education...but I cannot guarantee I'll be here for another year. Or 6 months.. Or really, any amount of time at all. So when I go into an interview and they say, "Wow, look at all your customer service and sales experience, that's really good!.. How long has your husband been stationed here and when will you guys be leaving?" I could lie.. but I don't. So I sort of screw myself.

Is that discrimination? Of course. Do you think that matters... not so much.

Why would any company want to hire someone like that. Regardless of whatever they're saying about being "military" friendly... that really means they're a lot more friendly to "used-to-be in the military, that's why I have so many jobs listed on my resume, but we're done with it now" K, thanks.

So I think I'm gonna start the at home business stuff again. Make however much money I want, not have to pay a babysitter all the time, and be able to leave it without guilt, at any time I need to.

And for all the civilians that think it's funny how many military spouses work their asses off from home... I think you should quit your 50 hour a week jobs and try to make as much as you made then working from home.. While your spouse is deployed, your kids are sick and your car's breaking down. And then laugh.

Baby Bumps

Are everywhere this season.

It's one of the strange, strange things that you see living on or near a military base...there are pregnant women everywhere and in good weather they are soaking up the sun.

...of course this is our first day of sun in about 3 days...but who's counting?

There are times when I can ignore fertility completely... Yes, we'll have more kids some day. Yes, we were planning on already trying for it until the military decided that the husband should be somewhere else and that I can not go with him. So... I try to turn that yearning off. And it works for a few months until I'm surrounded by baby bumps and newborns being strolled through the park and lots of family and friends being cutely preggo. ...and even more friends trying to be preggo.

It makes me mad. Mostly. I should not be letting the military dictate when we'll have children. But at the same time, I would really like my husband around for at least part of a pregnancy the next time around.

And then my adorable little girl will start shrieking at the dog and I think... why would I want to do this again? I should trade them all in for cats.

Balloon-Esque

Are some things just unforgivable? Some people just unforgivable?

I'm already apprehensive writing about this so I dunno how far this'll go.

Have you ever had a best friend? ...Some of you already know what I'm feeling. What I'm thinking. Do you remember how it feels to be understood, completely, by someone else?

And then it all goes to hell.

It's been 4 years since the husband and I "officially" got married. Our marriage license was procured on this day in Colorado since we were doing a destination wedding in a different country the next month. I had to work today 4 years ago, but before work we went to the Clerk and Recording office with our families and my best friend and got married. Our license is witnessed by his brother and my friend.

In that first year, a lot of things changed. A lot of growing up happened, really unbelievably fast. My whole lifestyle changed.

One friend told me that before the husband, I was like a balloon on a string being blown by the wind, all over the place...maybe trying to find my place. And the husband became my rock that settles the string, so my thoughts and voice and ideas can still fly all over the place, but part of me is steadier than ever. ...When that friend described this phenomenon (with lots of hand gestures) we laughed until my eyes teared up, but now...I see the truth in it.

What seems like a million years ago, I pretty much did whatever I wanted. I would see something or feel something and I'd act on it pretty much immediately. I'd go after things if I wanted them, really attack them. If I felt bad about something or just had a weird feeling, then I'd back off. Some of these things turned out to be good things in my life, and some of those experiences turned out to be fairly horrible. But right by my side was Jen. And she was very... balloon-esque with me. Years and years of friendship and some very serious shared experiences made our whole relationship with each other...an experience in itself.

She was more sociable than I. Definitely. She enjoyed people, while I am more amused by people. She really liked to experience different social groups, being in the middle of different groups, being the ringleader of fun. And I really liked to stand right by her and watch. It was amazing and probably still is, how people react to her. But there were some days that she wouldn't want to be around six thousand people, when she was happier in her house with her dog, hanging out with her then boyfriend, and just listening to music. Or sitting in a room by herself, singing. Just like half my time I want to be out looking at things, doing things and the other half of time I just want to lay on the husband or sit at my desk and write. We were both very manic in the fact that when we wanted people around, we wanted them around now and we could procure a party within about 20 minutes.. but when we wanted to be alone, we wanted to be alone right at that moment. And we had (have?) tempers to match each other, though very different things would strike our fuses.

In the months before the husband left for Basic Training, her then fiance lost his grandmother. A woman who had been a really amazing woman to everyone that knew her...and I know that loss changed something in Jen and Chad's relationship...it made them a lot closer, made him..I think, finally really depend on Jen and I again, I can only think, that it really sealed and cemented them together in a way they hadn't come together before. I was dealing with the whole...entering-the-military phase of our lives, and busy disagreeing between several sets of friends about lifestyles. I really hate that. I'm a big supporter of letting people do whatever they want as long as they're safe... and really, really hate having to defend one friend against the other. And that's what it was coming to.

I gave up. And I lost Jen maybe because of that. Unrepeatable things were said by so many people and it went on for weeks even after Jen and I had stopped talking. And many of my other friends were seriously thrilled when Jen and I stopped talking... Because the way they saw it, was that she was a volatile presence in my life. Her lifestyle no longer matched mine. Rumors flew around, just absolute bullshit about what I was saying or she was saying or what someone 100 miles away from us was saying.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

That was more than three years ago.

I know she's married, I know that a lot of her family is doing fairly well. I think that she's happy. I hope that she's happy.

And maybe that's the difference now. I hope that she's happy. The first year that we didn't talk, I was still mad. Because I didn't think I had done anything wrong, and part of me was still thinking that whatever anger we had would eventually blow over. ...It's not like this was the first time we had stopped talking. But it's certainly gone on the longest now. And I did do things wrong, I thought that I was supporting her, that we were supporting each other like friends should. But things were changing, and the way we "supported" each other should've changed too. The 2nd year we didn't talk, I was pregnant. And so wrapped up in that while the husband was deployed. ...The 3rd year.. I didn't miss her so much. I've had my husband back from his deployment, we have our child and our families, our own life... and I know Jen very much so has her own life too.

But I had a dream about her the other night, and when I woke up I thought, "God, I hope she's good." Not just ok, but really good. Occasionally I'll still get a feeling in my gut, a "something's wrong" feeling, and I'll think about her.. We used to be that close, that some how--viscerally we would know when something was wrong with the other. Maybe a drop of her blood still runs in me. So sometimes I'll think.. I hope she's ok.

If she reads this, and word might get around to her that I've written this because we do have a lot of mutual friends.. I don't know what she'll think. Before, I'd know what she would think, what she'd do, what she'd say. In this case, I can see it going a couple ways.. Either she'll see this as a sort of plea for her to contact me.. which in her eyes, might be pathetic on my part. Or it'll just make her think back to the good times, and the bad times. And just think.

Maybe this is pathetic on my part. At this point in my life, I'm not looking for a reunion with long-lost friends...I'm just wondering, with everything that's happened in the last few years, with how much I've changed...and I'm sure she's changed a lot too.. I wonder if we'd even know each other anymore.

And I miss having someone really know me as well as she did. I have really great friends still, friends that love the husband and I and our child, ones that I can turn to if I need anything, ones who'll listen to me when I need to be listened to, or just leave me be when I need to be alone...but it's just not the same.

If I were to talk to her again, or see her again.. I'd probably think about how thankful I was for the years where she pushed me to be more sociable, the times that she helped me get out of bad relationships or how she pushed me into the best relationship of my life.. I have my husband because she helped to give me the courage to hold onto him.

I'd want her to meet Auralia, hear Auralia's laugh. I'd want to just sit, maybe smoke a cigarette, drink a chai and just bask in knowing that we are who we are. And we've always both been so proud of who we are. But somehow we lost sight of being proud of each other. ...And I just can't decide whether that's forgivable.

Sniff. Aaahhhh. Ooooh!

Smell is the strongest of senses. Most of us know that’s true but rarely think about it. A scent can trigger memories, good or bad, sweet or foul.

My baby has learned to sniff.

Sniff… “Ahhhh!”

Sniff…"Ooooh!”

…I think (can’t be sure, since I’ve never done this before) that this is a normal phase for babies her age.

A day or two ago, I was instantly transformed back into a 5 year old little girl, with long pigtails and scabbed knees, just because I smelled a scent. A very unexpected scent.

Last February, my maternal Grandfather gave my husband a very nice watch. My Grandpa is one of the most charming, best dressed, personable guys out there, and he’s spent the past 60 or so years collecting stuff. My grandparents’ house is full of collectibles, art and jewelry, watches and magnets from all over the world. Our family has a rich geographical history so there are things from EVERYWHERE around the world and pictures of people from all around the world that we’re somehow related to. It’s amazing.

Anyway, this watch is not that fancy. It is a very nice, fairly expensive men’s watch though and my husband shares my Grandpa’s love of watches so it was a very nice, very unexpected gift.

So, a couple days ago my child’s walking around with the watch… Have I mentioned how much she loves watches also?  It’s ridiculous. So she’s walking around with the watch, sniffing it.

Sniff…”Ahhh!”

Sniff…"Oooh!”

Then she lifts it up to me and I lean down for the obligatory sniff and...and…wait. This watch smells unbelievably good. What?

Yep.

And I was whisked back in time to holidays and long weekends at the house my grandparents use to own. With my Grandpa being teased about how long he would spend getting ready for church or to take us all out to the zoo or to the movies. He'd spend a good hour in the bathroom singing songs like "That's Amore"...although he's not even a little bit Italian…while lathering himself with his smelly lotions and potions and colognes...and when the bathroom door would open, fragrant steam would come rolling out and he'd stand there in his flip flops, a towel slung around his hips, grinning. He'd get dressed in soft slacks and sweater, or a suit with a bright tie and unbelievably shiny shoes and we'd go off to wherever we were exploring that day. "Get in the car." He'd growl. "Get in the car."

I wouldn’t say I’m unbelievably close to any of my grandparents…But I’m moderately close to my maternal grandparents and until now have always lived close enough to them to easily visit. It’s strange to look back at childhood memories and realize that all the memories of my Grandpa, big and small, are good ones.  

The watch smells like him. Like the scented steam that would come pouring out of the bathroom after his showers. And it makes me want to curl up in that scent, like the little girl that I was, getting ready to go on a big adventure with my Grandpa.

So…now the baby is no longer allowed to play with the watch. So if anyone else reading this would like to donate a watch, any sort of watch, to my child… Feel free.

B!t(H B!t(H B!t(H

Most of the blogs and articles I read are written by women or men married to someone in the military or those who've lost someone who was in the military. Most of these blogs are written by people who've probably got a decade or more better than me, although there are 2 heartbreaking widow-blogs that I follow and both of those writers are actually a few years younger than I.

There are other things I follow of course. I'll read blogs about/from fiction authors that I love, I keep up with the news and parenting articles, childhood development stuff, job-interest stuff and of course the magazine/website for military spouses in this area. I read. I read constantly.

There are a few people who've asked me for years now how I write. That's a loaded question. Mostly I sit in front of a computer, or in front of a spiral notebook with a pen that I love and I just let it out. It's my venting. It's my bitching. It's what makes me feel normal...or sometimes not so normal depending on the day. It's just there. Every day. Or almost every day.

Writers block exists. But generally if you change the subject the block goes away. Taking a break from what I'm working on and just switching the subject seems to do it for me.

I didn't write while Jer was deployed. Before, while he was in training, I did write. I wrote for school and I'd journal, and I wrote to him at least once a day...often with several different colors of ink just to break up the tedium of training for him. But while he was deployed, I only wrote to him. I still read all my blogs that I follow, and lots and lots of pregnancy-related books of course, but I didn't write any blogs or in any journals.

Because I didn't need to bitch.

Of course there were those days that everything went to hell, or someone had made a snarky comment to me that rubbed me the wrong way... And most of the time I'd sit down and email him and cry a little, take new pictures of my ever-growing preggo belly and it'd be ok. There were very, very few times in that year of loneliness that I really bitched. Mostly because when you're sitting in your very pretty house, growing pleasantly plump off of cold cereal and delicious baby-shower cake, in the middle of Colorado, surrounded  by family in all directions and your hubby's across the world, sitting (sweltering) in a tent, in a war zone, surrounded by smelly guys (no offense), with no AC, having rockets being launched at him at all hours of the day...which are long hours when he's the only one there with his MOS... you don't have much to bitch about.

Well..now he's home, and I probably haven't stopped bitching for the last year, to him or in my blog...Yep, it's been a year of dwell time. Because now, he's with me. Now it's safe for me to say that he hogs the bed covers, can't seem to EVER dress the baby in an outfit that matches, leaves computer parts laying all over my house, and he forgets. Just forgets. Things.. randomly. Lol.

Every so often he gets to be "abroad" while I wait at home. And so it's my right, now that I have him back, to take comfort in the things that I get to bitch about.

Not a "What if" Blog

This is not a "What If" post.. like a lot of my thoughts, and therefore blogs, tend to be.

But it's going to sound like a "what if" post.

The question was raised this morning.. "What if I decided to stay in the Army for 15 or 20 years?"

Well.. I guess it's a possibility. A very slight one. Since it's been 3 years and we've been SHAFTED by the whole system over and over again. But, let's say he went to a new AIT next year, and decided he LOVED his new MOS, and we got really lucky and loved our next post (still don't know where that's gonna be..) and he decided that he wanted to make a career out of this. Well.. I'd be ok with that. Mostly.

We do get burned a lot by the military. A lot. But there are so many benefits to it as well. And because I'm fairly neurotic about what will happen after we're no longer part of the military community, if he decided all of a sudden that he loved his job with the military, I'd be ok with him staying in.

I deal with deployments really well so far, it's the garrison life that I hate. But that's probably just because of this garrison life. Not garrison life in general.

I like knowing I can take my baby to the doctor whenever I need to, or knowing that my husband's medical is taken care of. I like having a house, and although living on post isn't EXACTLY what people want you to believe, especially in this neighborhood, I have a house. And it has a yard for my dog to play in and be safe and if something breaks (as long as it isn't my fault) the military'll fix it.

I'm trying to be more thankful for everything I have lately. That's pretty hard for me...because, let's face it. We're broke. Not broke broke like some of my friends, but broke enough that I can't even think about buying another car right now and I'm struggling to pay for school books. We have our house, our bills are paid and money goes into savings. But.."Extra luxuries" in my house means I spent $1 on shampoo instead of 70 cents. And it's those little cuts around the house, that means I can buy strawberries or kiwi for my baby instead of just apples and bananas. Even if it means I'll have frizzy hair.. but really, in this humidity I'm gonna have frizzy hair no matter what.. It means that she can have a new toy or board book once a month and that Tuck can get a new ball and I'll have the husband paint my toenails instead of going to get a pedicure.. it's bonding time, lol.

So.. I'm sort of off my point, if I had one in the first place. If he said, "I wanna stay in the military." I'd say, "Ok. Get your ass to OCS or WOCS." ...If we're staying in forever then I think we deserve to get paid better...

I don't actually think any of this is going to happen.. but I needed a little time to think about it and this is the best way to do it.

On a happier note, the sun is out. Lots. And this is a very good thing.

There are people avoiding me.

Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. That's how my thoughts are with all this school stuff. Yes, I can finish my degree in the next few months. As long as the school decides that I should get my 2010-11 financial aid and I take out a small loan for books. Not so bad. Except that this school seems to be pretty indecisive about my 2010-11 financial aid since they've been contemplating it for MONTHS now and still no answer.. And I think they're avoiding me. ..and really, if I was them, I'd probably avoid me too... I think most everybody in this state avoids me.

Have I told you about the library nazis?

..Well, that's another story.

Anyway.. I'm sooooo impatient when I've made up my mind about something. And if I work at something and work at something for weeks and then it doesn't work out.. Then I think, ok, maybe I'll give it a rest. Maybe there's a reason why I'm supposed to wait to finish my degree, maybe my purpose right now is to do something else and that's why the financial aid office is avoiding me. I believe in higher powers for the most part, so, maybe there are bigger plans formulating that I'm just unaware of right now. Except that, I like MY plan. So I wish that financial aid would just give me my freaking money or at least tell me that they're not going to give me the money so I can just pay for all of this myself.

The end.

Help!

Dear Friends and Family and every one else that reads this.. :)

A really great friend of mine is helping me raise money for the books I need to complete my degree so I can go on to be a famous writer :)

Wanna help?

She is having a Mary Kay sale, Buy 3 get 1 FREE on anything of equal price or under.. you know how it works...and part of the proceeds goes to my book fund! Isn't that amazing!? So..

ALL this weekend go to http://www.marykay.com/sarahperdue and order away if you love me and wonderful cosmetics. The deadline to do this is 4th of July, all orders must be in BEFORE Monday!

Thanks you guys!

Words Matter

It's stories that fascinate me, true or false...the biographies and auto-biographies, the stories about people learning and living with love, living through things, conquering.

Everyone has a story, and us lucky ones, live our stories to the fullest so that one day we can remember all that we were, all that we are. 

The rest doesn't really matter.

Adjectives and adverbs are used to make a story come more to life, little details do matter. Names and places usually don't. Once there was a beautiful girl that fell hopelessly in love. Does it matter what her name was? When a girl reads that one line, she pictures herself as the beautiful girl falling hopelessly into love. She feel in love underneath an apple tree that had pink, fragrant blossoms slowly falling to the ground around her and her young lover. This spot was theirs...Would it matter if that apple tree lived here or there? Of course not.

Writers tools...making you see what they want you to see. Those are the things that teachers are desperately trying to teach you.

But it takes someone special, a real weaver of words, to make you feel. To make you imagine. And I'm always impressed when it happens. 

The dog just ran over the baby's toy stroller.

Love is such a multi-faceted thing. How do people forget?

Most people our age who are married both work full time, sometimes they have children and those children live primarily in day care or babysitters. There are sacrifices made by everyone so bills can be paid, credit can be earned, houses can be rented, cars bought, student loans paid. I hate student loans. Sigh.

I'm so fortunate to not have to work. It's more of an optional thing and a safety thing at this point. As is school. Once upon a time I wrote about going back to school, it being almost like an obligation because that way I have something to fall back on if Jer doesn't get a job right away after we leave the military. I still mostly feel that way. I feel like I should have my degree in something that will pay well and that I can live with if need be. Sometimes I feel like I should be working, full or part time, just to stick that money into savings so we are closer to buying a house when he gets out of the military, or for a new car or for the vacations that can't ever seem to take because of military obligations.

We save a little every month, and that little definitely adds up...but if we had a whole other income coming in, that we didn't really need.. it could set us up a lot better 3 years down the road.

At this point I'm not going to worry about working... education is our priority right now if we can both get it done discounted or for free. Which we can.. I just have to suck up my feelings about some one choosing a career for me. And Jer just has to wait until fall semester.

I can't imagine handing my child over to someone else for 40 hours a week. Especially since I don't know anybody here. Or don't particularly trust anyone on post that I have met. I'll probably need to get over that and find some one someday.

In a couple hours I'll go start the process..or maybe it's continuing the process, of the school stuff. I've already got half the stuff they want done..we'll see.

Wasted Opportunity? I think not.

It takes almost $1,000 to take 2 classes at the community college here. That's without books. Or pencils and paper.

There's a new grant for JBLM spouses to further their education that's available to some of us...not all, of course. Your spouse has to be a certain rank, you have to submit to extreme questioning about your finances, you have to be willing to study something they want you to study so you can improve the economy.

I don't know what I want to do. Not really. I just want to be in school, forever. So...maybe I should become a teacher, or a librarian... except that I don't really like kids (except my own and very few others) and while being a librarian would be the COOLEST JOB EVER... I'm pretty sure libraries are dying. Ebooks are the future and that's ok with me.

The sad part, to me at least, is that Ebooks are the future, it seems to me that language in general is dying. And that makes me really sad.

Anyway.

I prefer research. So..I could tell all these people that I want to be a teacher or a doctor or historian or whatever.. and get them to pay for my degree.. and then when I pursue further education (at that point hopefully we'll be a little more financially secure..) I can do whatever I want.

I envy the people who want a career. The people that know what they'd like to be...or are willing to put their finances on the line to pursue what they think they want.. Unfortunately I am not comfortable with taking out loans when I don't know when or if I'll be paying them off with the money earned from my imaginary career. I'm mostly happy with staying home and taking care of my family, in fact I love it. I just want to go to school too.

Sigh.

I go to talk to these people with the grant on Friday. We'll see.

A lot of people could probably say that I've wasted plenty of opportunities. ...I had scholarships I could've used for theater, technical or performing, when I left high school. But.. I didn't want it. I didn't want theater as a career no matter how good I was at either pretending to be someone I wasn't or bossing people around. Which is fun.. but wears on you after awhile. And if you don't really want the theater, then it's pointless to pursue it. We could've not joined the army and both worked our way through schools in Colorado.. but then Auralia wouldn't be here right now. And I'm pretty happy that she is.. We wouldn't be the people we are and I'm pretty happy with us.

I just wish 2 classes could be a little more affordable. Say 6 or 8 hundred. Especially since I only need like 5 freaking classes to graduate.

ok

It's ok to feel uncomfortable, as long as you still have a safe place to be.

I don't mind the rain. I don't like not being able to see the edges of the clouds.

I paint what I yearn.

Artists are like phoenix, creating from the ashes.

It's ok. I'm ok. We're ok. And that's the best.

95% of the world does not know freedom.

Everyone wants to create something. That's the reason for working, for living, or child bearing. It's ok to leave your mark on the world. It's ok to feel anxious about that mark.


 

Bah. ...Humbug. ..If this was Christmas time.

Due to a stupid detail, the hubby can't take leave until..like, never. Which screws a lot of our plans for this summer and fall but also gives us lots of time over the holidays to spend with family.

Due to stupid lying people, Jer will be going to Arizona by himself in February because his new AIT isn't 22 weeks like we were told, it's actually 16...so no PCSing. Bah. That TOTALLY screws up our "trying- to-plan-the-next-baby" plans.

The end.

5 Minutes

Sometimes, I just need to lay down with my hubby for 5 minutes. Within 5 minutes everything can calm down or rev up, within 5 minutes we can lay everything out that's important...even if it can't be completely discussed in the 5 minutes.

Sometimes, those 5 minutes are on the floor in the living room with the baby and the cats and the dog. Because if the mama lays on the floor then of course the baby is going to come sit and of course the dog is going to want to lay on the mama and then the cats are going to come see what's going on. So then the hubby comes along to take some of the weight and we all end up just laying for a few minutes. Until the baby decides we all need slobbery kisses and the dog starts eating my hair in between slobbering on the cats and the cats..try to get away from the dog while still staying in close range.

Sometimes I forget to take those minutes. And I really shouldn't. They make all the difference in my life.

...Socks. And stuff.

I am a really good deployment-wife. And a really horrible garrison-wife.

That pretty much sums it up.

I hate green socks. Well..not the green socks. But the fact that the hundreds of pairs of green socks start turning light-green, or diarrhea-brown...I hate that.  And the fact that I should match them all. That a light-green sock should go with another light-green sock just kills me, only because one half of the pair will be light green at the top and dark green around the sole and the other half of that pair will be diarrhea-brown all the way through. Sigh. I also occasionally hate white socks. I didn't, until a couple days ago.. That's when I noticed that some of the white socks with gray toes and heel...well some times that gray part is right by the ankle lining, and sometimes it's about 2 centimeters down from the ankle lining. Aaha moment, let me tell you.

I'd like to think that I support my husband at his job. With his job. I'm interested in what he does, I love that he does his best and that he works hard at his job. I'm cordial to the people he works with. I love to help him learn more about his job and love to help him study for promotions. But I hate.. really, really abhor from the fact that I can't go yell at people when he's treated unfairly.  Not yell necessarily...but convince whoever is doing the wrong-doing that they should perhaps stop. Or else. Lol. When someone's lost an important piece of paper about him that could really screw him over. Or when someone's misfiled a form (6 times) that would let us get a bonus. I hate that.

There are proper procedures for everything in the military. I'm sure that somewhere, in some handbook is an article about how to match discolored socks. Just like I'm sure that somewhere, in some handbook is an article about how to complain about being treated like crap by a bunch of paper-pushers.

I just know I'd feel better if I could go punch someone in a certain office. Same goes with insurance people.

For Better or Worse

I'm really horrible at letting him make his own decisions. Really, a lot. Most of the decisions that we make or that need to be made in the last few years are some major things that really effect both of us though. I get pushy, a little self-centered, and can be just plain mean if the occasion warrants. Everything that we've been discussing the last few weeks really impacts the rest of our lives, so I'm trying to look at it from all angles.

But, I've talked myself into the decision that he wants. Because it's what he wants. And the outcome can't be any worse then when we first joined the military. We won't be losing anything that we have, he'll gain some more experience, have time to finish his degree, and since 6 months of next year will be spent in Arizona, I'll get a tan. We're not getting any of the bonuses that I'd like to have... but we're getting everything that's really important to him.. Well, my tan is probably not oh so important to him...but the rest is.

We wanted to have another baby next year. I don't know if I want to have a baby in Arizona while he's in AIT. No paternity leave from training...but I absolutely know that I have people who will offer to come stay with me for a week or two until I've recovered from another c-section. And we'll be closer to our family and some friends during those 6 months.

For some reason I feel like I'm moving further away though.

Maybe because we're leaving it all up to chance again. I don't know where we'll go after he finishes AIT (again). We'll be waiting and waiting and waiting for orders, again. Then he'll get to a new post and I'll be waiting to see if he'll deploy right away, again. But I know we'll have a little less then 2 years in the military after his next AIT, I know we'll be getting out after that.

I know I'll be fitting in a trip to Colorado some time in the next month or 2 maybe, that I'll be going to Hawaii in September, back to Colorado for the holidays and will move to Arizona next February. I know this gives me the opportunity to take some classes at the school here, and for Jer to take some classes here as well. It gives him the opportunity to get his next promotion (he goes to the board in 3 weeks!!!)

...I know that nothing's really changing. But it feels like it is, and that it's huge.

More Ramblings

A year ago I was counting down the days until deployment was over. I was taking care of my baby girl and helping my mom out when she wasn't completely healed from a spinal fusion.

This year, my baby is now a toddler. One who recently decided that everything is now "uh oh" or "hippo" or "up". And instead of counting down the days, we're still trying to figure out what we should do with the next couple years.

We could stay here until next February, when Jer could go back to AIT in Arizona for 6 months...we wouldn't be getting a bonus or a guaranteed slot at a post that we'd want to live at. But he'd be expanding his field a little bit, getting more experience and we'd just deal with going some where new when he graduated. It'd give us another 15 months without a deployment, pretty guaranteed. That's a pretty good chunk of time without  a deployment in today's military since we've already had about 10 months. It could happen again tho, what happened last time. He could graduate from AIT and immediately be deployed again...which happens. We know he'll most likely be deployed once more while we're still in the military and we know how to deal with it.

...We can wait. We can see if he can reenlist in a month or two for his same MOS and see if we can get a post we want to be at. No guarantees that'll open up tho.. and the school in the paragraph above is filling up awfully fast already. The sooner he reenlists, the sooner we'll be out of the military.

I'm sorry. Everyone reading this is probably awfully bored with all these thoughts. Lol. Really, I'm just trying to get it all straight in my head.

Anyway... my parents were out here for Mother's Day weekend, and that was really great. It's so amazing, the bond between my mom and my daughter. Months go by without them seeing each other, but my 15 month old knows her grandma. It's also amazing that in the 9ish months that I've lived here, last Friday was the first night Jer and I have gone out by ourselves in this state.

Yep.

We're still trying to plan a trip back to Colorado some time in the next few weeks... hopefully we'll know some dates in the next few days. I wish we could bring Tuck.. but, he's too big to fit in a carry on. Jer's 25th birthday is next week :) Send presents... he thinks he's getting old.

And now my baby is awake. "Up" "Up" "Up" "Uh Oh"

..I don't even have a title for this one

Sometimes it just baffles me how fast things can change. We've had decisions to think about and to potentially decide upon and we've made decisions, ones we're happy with and then something, usually small, will change and it changes everything else. Which...that doesn't really bother me. Change is inevitable, and most of the time I think I roll with the changes pretty well. And these changes bring up new options, there are just some options available that I'm not really into and options that he is into.

So, maybe we'll wait another couple weeks and see if any other options that I feel more inclined towards open up. Or maybe I'll say, to hell with it, and lets just go with Choice A or B or C...whichever one he likes the best.

Sigh.

I have more to write about, but it'll wait until tomorrow.

Reminder

I'm very proud of our military. Proud to be, in an extremely indirect way, part of the intelligence community.

I'm a little scared...Scared for our troops currently in Afghanistan.

I'm a little appalled. Appalled at everyone who thinks that everything will be better now that one man in dead. A man is dead. One who spread his ideals and terrorism around the world. He is dead, his ideals are not. And I'm ashamed of every single person I know who thinks that all is better in the Middle East now. Idiots.

I am NOT ashamed of calling you an idiot.

I'm not one of those people who were oh so concerned about him being dead. As far as I'm concerned, he was an icon. Icons die. When icons die, it pisses a lot of people off. And while I think that my version of justice has been served, I think everyone even slightly related to the military community should be thinking about and hopefully, avoiding, the repercussions that might be felt. Haven't any of you noticed the abundance of security the last few days? 

I think we  need to come together, unite, and instead of rejoicing the death of a man, start planning the death of terrorism.

Are you listening?

I made my first big-ish ham today, for the Easter holiday.

We both agreed that we wished we were by our families for the holidays... this was the first big holiday where we didn't see mine or his. And the first one where Auralia might have had fun getting Easter baskets and hunting eggs with family. She had to live with one Easter basket, a package from Oma and Opa, and such...shared with Tuck.

I thought about painting...but just can't find the mood to do it.

We've thought about re-enlisting for Colorado... How many of you will say, "That's just because you want to be by your family." ?

How many of you would rather us not re-enlist and just go back to Colorado and try to find jobs, try to find babysitters and such?

We want his degree and we'd rather the military pay for it. We want to be by the companies that he might want to work for once he has his degree. We want sun and snow and rain. And just in case he is deployed again in the next couple years..yes, I'd rather be by our family.. ..Because I know that if I was away, and he was deployed, they'd just come and pack me up and bring me back to them anyway.

It's who we are.

A Military Home has been published, it was written in about half an hour, the night before it was due to ENG 101. And in A Military Home there are a lot of things I wrote that are true, completely true. But now that I've lived here.. I know that there's a lot of things I didn't, and really..couldn't have..known then.

A military home...changes. Adapts. It doesn't just wait because it is too fluid to wait. It waits with hope, and love, and tolerance.

How many families have lived in the house I live in now? Who tried to bang pictures into the walls just as I have?..it's damn near impossible. Who tried to grow flowers in the yard, and who would ever install a towel hook right by the toilet? Who brought new babies here, who went through deployments and redepoyments here?

How many people hoped for better?

We don't wait. We plan. We think and re-think every option, every plan, every thing that might be an opportunity. We're not naive, and both of us are fairly smart...we're thinking ten, twenty, thirty years down the road, not one or three.

Sometimes I feel like you're not really listening.

An Outrage, A Plan, A Thank You

I feel like my keyboard's dusty.. but it's not. Not really.

Instead of blogging, I've been emailing and on the phone. Back and forth, back and forth, with multiple people talking and debating. Well, maybe not debating. More like bitching. Ranting.

In my last blog I explained about the Brandon's. One in Japan, one deployed. The one deployed..his wife's by herself, pregnant, and probably already thinking about whether or not he's gonna get home in time to see his baby born.

She was supposed to not be alone, the plan was for her to not be alone.. well, plans fail. That is my experience at least. And I say that it's not right for her to be alone. (She knows how outraged I am about this subject)

The new plan is for me to be her birth coach, be there with her the last few weeks of her pregnancy until Brandon swoops in to save the day...which I'm sure he'll try his best to accomplish :) But just in case.. I'll be there, not to save the day, but just so she doesn't go through that day alone. Those weeks alone.

I was not alone. I had friends and family that embraced me and my to-be-born baby right away...who swore that they'd be there for me if I needed them. And my husband did get home in time, but only because I didn't realize I had been in labor for days before...What can I say? I have a high pain tolerance.. apparently what you think are Braxton-hicks contractions are sometimes the real thing..

A friend told me, "This is a really nice thing that you're doing for them." It's not about the nice. It's about family and love and what is right and wrong.. which the right and wrong stuff..I'm pretty fluid in my opinions about that.. But it's wrong for her to be alone. And it's right for me to be there.  Brandon came to me a few days before I delivered Auralia. Not that I would've needed him to hold my hand in the delivery room, but just the fact that I know I could've had his hand if I needed it.. it's enough. And I'll be damned if Courtney's gonna be alone those last few weeks.

Instead she'll be bombarded with Auralia and I.. and then with Jeremey. And then Brandon and their new baby.. and then we'll be getting out of the way.

Dear Brandon and Courtney: I know you guys'll read this... And I speak for both Jeremey and I when I say how proud we are of you both of you. You'll both be stronger then ever imaginable after this next year, and know that no matter what we're here for you guys in every way possible. And let's get stationed together next time.  8D

Dear Everyone One Else Reading This: If you were around when I was pregnant and Jer was away, and you talked to me once a week, or once a month, or once every 3 months. Thank you. Most of you did nothing except wish me well ...but there were those Crystal's and Adam's and Mom's and Dad's (on both sides) the Brandon's,  a few extended family members, the Alex and Dan's, Chrissy's, Amber's, Tyler's.. and the list goes on and on.. who really did help. (If I didn't mention you're name, it's because I only have so much time before the baby wakes up from her nap and I'm trying to get this out..) The situation Courtney's in right now makes me think back and remember how fortunate I was to have you guys.. and I hope I let you know it at the time.

You know what else I'm fortunate about: That I got to go out and buy a new carpet shampooer 8D Yep.

And the decisions that we're making for the future.. well, that's another blog.

His VS Mine

I've had some questions about some blogs and some comments that I've made and some comments the hubby has made concerning "The Brandon's" Lol.

I have a Brandon. Jer has a Brandon. While we use the "my Brandon" or "Jer's Brandon" in conversation, or when one of them calls us (me), really...they're both of ours. (Mine)

My Brandon (you know who you are) was really a friend of Jer's before I came into that crowd.. But, then I took over and he quickly became my best friend. Bwahaha. And now... He's married to another best friend of mine, has joined the military like all of us did, and lives in Japan...And still gets the Greatest Friend Ever Achievement Award. Especially since we can still talk for hours (til the Magic-Jack fails) and use words like "chomo".

Jer's Brandon...is a family member, one that I clicked with right away. It's probably our love for sarcastic comments and general not-nice personalities that keeps us amused with each other. Also in the military, he's fighting in Afghanistan while his gorgeous new wife preps for their first baby to be born later this year. ...He was one of the few people that really actually helped me get through Jer's deployment while I was pregnant, so I hope I'm helping them through his deployment this time around.

They're mine because I don't know what I'd do without them. Both of them. For very, very different reasons. They're Jer's too...because they were his first and he's just as close to them. But, for arguments sake...they're both mine. 8D

Sun and Such

Today was a sunny day. As soon as I woke up and saw the sun I started making plans; how I'm going to make my old papa-san chair into a planter, how I'm going to paint and hang flower boxes, what I'm going to plant in all of the above.

I didn't hurt today.

I haven't taken any Ibuprofen, any Valium and by now I've usually taken several doses of the Ibuprofen and am getting ready to take my nightly dose (well, half a dose because I'm a paranoid freak) of the Valium.

I've had a couple beers, we barbequed, I painted my flower pots.

The dog is sleeping on the floor, the cats are sleeping on the couch, and the baby is getting ready for bed.

It's days like this that I miss. The normal days, the family days where we can be together and talk and laugh and do things that we enjoy. The days that we get to enjoy together.

 We've discussed and debated about what we'll be doing for the next few years, and we have decided to reenlist for 3 years. That was the easy part. It's harder to decide if he wants to change his MOS, go back to AIT and cop a bonus or if he wants to stay in an MOS and pick a post that would be close to a school that he wants to finish his degree at. Well... that's what we're deciding now. And we'll be starting the paperwork for all of it in the next week or 2.

Except we just found out that somehow he's on firefighting detail in Idaho sometime in the next month or 2...but nobody knows when or how that happened... That's the military for you.

I painted a flower pot and my 2 flower boxes so far tonight, and I sang out loud while Jer took care of the baby and puppy. And it felt right. It felt normal.

My parents are coming out in a few weeks too, and that feels normal. That feels right.

It feels like I have 18 days to make sure my house is clean to my mother's standards. Lol.

I think everyone who lives in this area should have a grow-light. I now understand why tanning beds are so popular. The sun does magical things.

As Seen on Oprah

Our First Lady has been fairly outspoken about helping out military families since her husband's been in office. This is a good thing.

MWR programs, FRG programs, programs for spouses and children are all really great things. Education for military families, jobs for military spouses, fun and food for everyone...it's all good, right? She starts her national tour to explain how she wants to help this week...she's been touched by all of our stories and wants the whole wide world to know that we are strong, that we are capable, but that the civilian world should understand our stress and strife and feel sorry for us.

Personally I don't feel like I need anyone's pity.

Personally I feel like someone who's so understanding and outspoken about military families should try to put some pressure on finding out what's going on with federal spending v. budget cuts. And then maybe she should explain to us what'll be happening to the military come the end of September.

Ugh.

I'm not mad. I just don't understand why issues aren't getting addressed by people who could be addressing them.

Do public figures, who people look up to, have an obligation to address the issues that they say are important? Wouldn't it be better for them to stand up and say that they don't understand but will find the answers? 

What bothers me is the not knowing... of course. Lol. Wouldn't it be better to tell us that there's no money, that our military can dissolve? Or tell us which programs are going to be cut, what is going to cost us more money, if the paychecks will be coming? Just a little warning would be better than nothing.

A couple weeks ago I thought the hard part of the next couple months would us be deciding whether or not to stay in the military... now the hard part's figuring out if there will be a military.

The Shut Down

I don't think there's a military spouse out there that hasn't been watching the news or at least tracking the news online about the government shutting down. But most of us probably had doubts that the government would actually stop paying us, or maybe we just really really hoped that they'd resolve whatever issues that are keeping them from paying us.

Well.. today, Leave and Earnings statements are out.. these are like paystubs for all you non-military folk out there. And they say that we will only be receiving half of what we're supposed to.

Congratulations government: you've just pissed off the most powerful group of people in the world: Military Spouses.

I've heard that this fiasco isn't getting resolved because of different bills waiting to be passed, about disagreements between the parties, different ideas about what in the budget should be cut...Are you kidding me?  This is about a power trip between a bunch of law-makers, all with wedgies, trying to decide how to get the upper hand for the next elections. Who do you think the military will be voting for the next time around? ..the person who stopped paychecks or the person who laid out a reasonable budget for the military? Reasonable. If they said we're cutting your pay by a hundred bucks a month for the next year. well.. suck, but that's be a whole shit load better than them saying we don't know when you'll get your next paycheck.

The law says that Obama, our Congress members and Senators pay cannot be effected by a government shut down because they are essential people so they should get paid. But they can refuse to accept that pay... and a few Senator's have decided to do just that.. what do you think happens to that money if they refuse it? What do you think would happen if all the deployed soldiers around the world stopped working at midnight when this shut down is official? ...I bet somebody in the government would start thinking that soldiers are also essential.

I'd sure like some of Obama's $400,000 salary since the next paycheck we'll receive will be right about $500. And when will we be receiving a paycheck after that? ...man, that's a good question.

This has happened before. This has happened all over history. George Washington's troops went without pay. food. clothes... so we'll be alright...right? Eventually they'll figure out how to pay us.. maybe they'll ask China for a loan. Maybe I should ask China for a loan. I have better credit at this point.