Inconvienent Hampering

I have been grumpy. And most of it I can just blame on PMS or hormones or whatever, but a large part of it is that I feel inconvenienced. I really hate that.

It all comes down to the choices that we've made, or haven't made. And I do indeed feel like most of the time, we make the right choices. There's a reason, somewhere out there, that my husband needs to be away from me and my child for long periods of time. I won't know it until I get to look back on the period of time, but I'm sure it'll be there. I just can't seem to comfort myself with that fact though. Not yet.

The months after our daughter was born while he was away, was a time where I was needed at home with my parents. In specific, my mom needed me while she underwent multiple surgeries. And while that's a really shitty reason to be needed back home, it gave us time together that I wouldn't give up for the whole wide world. She's closer to my daughter than I could ever hope, and she taught me in those months how to be a better mother to my daughter.

In the next coming months I'll finish my degree in Colorado, I'll be needed if my mother does need yet another surgery, I'll be around family who, while they don't really need me.. Maybe they'll do better when I'm around.

But man, my head hurts.

It's so much different thinking about separation when you have a child who knows that their parent is gone.

How am I supposed to teach her strength and courage and resiliency except for by example? And while that's all good in theory, we haven't actually tried it out yet. (Enter tearful chuckle here)

I think, one of the best parts of being a parent, is getting to share it. And one of the saddest parts of the military, is how sharing is often hampered.

How do you spell that?

K-O-R-E-A

That's what's going on.

Yep.

July of next year, Jer reports, unaccompanied by moi, (due to the fact that where he's going to in Korea doesn't want family members) he'll be there for a year.

So.. I'll be moving back to Colorado around Christmas time of this year.. because in January he reports to Arizona, unaccompanied by moi, again (due to the fact that the military hates us)... he'll be there til mid June.

Does this suck or what?

Ya.

That's about all I got right now... today is a busy day. So, more later.

My Child Loves Ham.

Blogging has not been on my list of things-to-do recently...which isn't a necessarily a bad thing. My life has been busy. I'm working from home, handling a 15-credit school load for the first time in years, have been in Colorado, been sick, been diagnosed with kidney stones, and I have a sick toddler. Plus normal every day duties.

I like being busy. I really, really enjoy it. Except for when I'm tired. I've felt just utterly exhausted for about 4 days now.

And I feel...ultimately blessed, because I have a husband who doesn't mind taking care of things either while I'm gone, or when I come back from vacation sick and in pain and with a very cranky baby.

I was reading a magazine article yesterday about the life lessons you learn from your children.. one parent had said, "I learned that love at first sight really does exist." Did I love my baby at first sight? I really did, and I know (and completely understand) parents who don't absolutely love their little one at first sight. Pregnancy, birth, and hormones are all tricky things even in the best of situations..so I understand that it can take some time to bond with a baby... But I was one of those parents that loved my baby as soon as I had her in my arms. More than that tho... I think I loved her from conception.

Does that make parenting easy? Nope. Does it give me a different perspective? Nope. Does that make her an easy-going, quiet as a mouse, sitting still child? Not even a little bit.

I love her for her opinions. I love that she's living in a world where I can listen to her opinions, that I can have pride in her intelligence, her charm, AND her tantrums.

I thought that when I was pregnant, and then the first 6 months of her life while the husband was deployed, that it would be probably one of the hardest things to get through, ever. Pregnancy alone is infinitely easier than taking care of a baby alone. But none of it turned out to be as hard as I thought. When the husband did come home, I thought.. leaving Colorado would be hard, and it was. I thought, the husband and the baby getting to know each other would be hell.. And it was. I also thought... I can't wait until she can actually communicate what she wants to us. Won't it be easier when she can actually say if something hurts or if she's mad or sad or hungry, or at least answer a yes or no question?

Now she says... "Hun-Gee, Mama." "Kitchen." Which does indeed give me a clue. Then she says, "Ham. Ham. Mama. Ham." That also gives me a clue. But God help us if we are out of ham and you try to give the child a piece of turkey or roast beef instead.

Point of this blog.. not much really. Actually, pretty much no point at all except for I had thoughts to get out.