To-be-baby and I have made it to 18 weeks.
2nd pregnancies are kinda cooler than the first.. for the most part you know what to expect. And (at least with me) I felt this one move early early on, and it's only progressed to actual kicks the last couple days.
Still haven't decided on a repeat C-section or a VBAC. It's a hard, hard decision.
I feel..blah the last couple of days. Not blah with the pregnancy, but blah with everything else. We've had some more issues with military stuff come up..and this time around..I can't even find my mad. Not that I expected something of this magnitude to happen, but still.. after being screwed with for the past 4 years, not much surprises me. This one did. But.. my mad is just not there.
Sometimes I feel like we're being deliberately screwed.
Sometimes I feel like it's our fault. Maybe we are not patriotic enough...maybe we're not thankful enough...maybe our timing is just wrong.
Sometimes I feel like I'm an obligation. No..never mind. Let's be honest. Most of the time, back home, I feel like an obligation.
I've let people make me feel like an obligation. Which has hurt me, more than just my pride, a lot in the past few weeks.
I know I'm not much fun. I have completely no money (no really, none) I very rarely have a babysitter for more than an hour, the better half of me is more than halfway across the world, and I'm pregnant which means no drinking and/or being hot for the time being. Oh..and I have a two year old that I think may actually be purposely trying to drive me mad.
I think part of it may be that people like answers. And I have no answers. When is he going to visit? I dunno. Sometime. When will you know? Eventually. Really close to the time where I go pick him up from the airport. When will he get paid? Um.. well, eventually they'll figure it out. Does he still have to work? (ya..this was an actual question) ...Yes, he has to work. Even if he doesn't get paid..Will he be here when the baby's born? Hopefully. Where do you go next? No idea. When will you be leaving again? See last answer..and add around next spring.
I DON'T KNOW pretty much sums it up.
I understand that a big part of my life seems like it's on hold. And some of it really is on hold. Except that..even while waiting, life goes on. Hope is a choice. And I'm always hoping for answers. And while I'm waiting for one part of my life, I expect all the other parts to keep moving. My pregnancy's progressing while a lot of my friendships are stalling. My child's learning and growing and expanding in every way possible while I feel as tho I'm becoming a hermit. My education is progressing regardless of everything. And I miss my husband badly enough that I consider moving to Korea, right this minute, about twice a week.
I don't like when people look towards us with sympathy.. Because sympathy isn't what I need or want. And I can't get much understanding because that's hard to come by surrounded by civilians. But friendship is always warranted, and friendship feels a whole lot better than the feeling of being an obligation.
