Waiting, eh.. I dunno anymore.

The difference between the me right now and the me a few years ago is the simple fact that I've learned to wait. Not with patience, Lord knows I have no patience... but I do have a surprising amount of tolerance now.

Dear the Jer's Brandon: you apparently have no patience either. Why are you so eagerly awaiting my blogs? Lol.

Back to tolerance vs patience. Back to waiting. I waited at home, cell phone attached to me at all times, while he was in basic and AIT. I waited for paychecks then didn't come for months. I waited until I had enough money to move to be with him during an unbelievably long AIT, long enough to justify a move, but just a few days short of the military moving me on their budget... of course. We waited for orders, we checked the ERB every week, we watched while they changed every few weeks and we prayed that we'd get acceptable orders. We waited for a sign on bonus. I waited to tell my family and friends about our pregnancy. I waited until they knew he'd be going to Iraq right away. I waited for emails, phone calls, bad skype connections. I waited for for her kicks, her hiccups, for the time where I wouldn't be able to see my feet anymore. And then I prayed he'd get back in time to see his daughter born. I waited for his R&R dates to be approved, I waited for his call saying he was back in the states, and for his flight info to know where I could pick him up.
We waited and then got impatient and then induced. Thank God. We waited for her to scream, waited to see what her Apgar score would be, waited to see how she would handle life being outside a womb. And then he left again. And I started waiting again...but with less intensity.

I took pictures. I did crafts. I took videos. I sent him everything I could possibly think of to make him feel like he wasn't missing out on the first months of her life. But..of course he was. So of course, we were waiting for him to come home.

I waited to book my trip to a post across the country where he'd be landing eventually. I waited for an FRG member to contact me. I still waited for a sign on bonus that I should've gotten months and months ago. I waited for my baby to start crawling. I waited in a hotel room for two days until an FRG member finally did call me. I waited another few hours for another FRG member to call me with the correct information. I waited for hours to pick him up that night.

I waited for the movers to come pack up my house and take me away from my family and friends that had helped me get through all the above waiting.

I waited on buying a car to make sure we'd be able to afford things out here. I waited on trying to find a job, a school, a babysitter, a dog, a home off post that could really be a home. I waited because we were waiting for orders. Again. But now, I'm no longer waiting.

Ta Da.

No.. we don't have new orders. But we know he won't be moved in the next year unless he re-enlists. Knowing anything in this world is progress. So in the next few weeks we'll decide what to do.

Ever felt like everything coming together at the right moment is false? Too good to be true? In my life.. it's too good to be true. I should've known better to even try to live off post...military housing is a trap. Should've known better than to start believing the military wouldn't actually be deliberately trying to screw us over..right?

Yesterday, or even the day before that... I could've gotten on here and rambled and bitched and bitched and bitched some more.. But what would've been the point? At that point it wouldn't have made me feel any better and the only reason I do this is to make myself feel better. And to get Jer's Brandon off my back about blogging.. 8D

This whole military thing.. it's like a woman and man trapped in a bad relationship. No matter how fucked over you get you just don't leave. I tell people all the time, love isn't enough. We don't by any means love the army, we don't by any means trust the army. So why wouldn't we leave the army at the first opportunity?

Security? ..I have a house, I have a paycheck, I have insurance. But my husband can be deployed at any time. Is it worth it? We're trying to make it work for us. Another few years, another degree, another security clearance.. and then we're set to do what we want to do.

Is all of this worth it?

Unfortunately, I happen to think it is.

Which, I'm afraid makes me fairly masochistic.