My Neurosis

I feel so angry lately. I'm afraid it's something in the air here. I'm afraid of it.

But fear makes me lash out in anger so perhaps I'm more afraid of things right now then I am really angry.

Does that make sense?

I'm afraid I've been too proud to talk about everything I fear. Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. 

There are so many changes happening with so many people I know. So many decisions that are being made across the world and so many decisions being discussed at home. 

A year ago I gladly let life happen. I am not a patient woman, I'm not even a nice woman, but a year ago I let fear and anger and doubt just leave and I just lived day by day... which was really the only way I could while I was pregnant and while the hubby was deployed. 


Sometimes I feel anxious, sometimes I get headaches, I've been diagnosed with TMJD, I have muscle spasms that rage all over my body. Sometimes I get anxious because I get a headache so I'm convinced that something's wrong with me because I'm anxious and because I have a headache, convinced that I'm going crazy. The muscle spasms...well, I've been plagued with those since I was a teenager but sometimes I wish I'd stop tingling. 


And then... I sit with my husband, he rubs my ankles. I dance with my baby...she looks like she's trying to do the worm. I walk around a bookstore. I write. And all of a sudden I'm breathing normally again. 


Times have changed, I can't go back to where I was a year ago. Not physically, mentally or geographically. But I miss that peace that I somehow managed. 

We have exactly a year to decide whether or not we're going to reenlist. That means in the next couple months we'll probably start trying to have another child, it means he'll have to figure out how much school he can complete within a year and if it's not enough should he extend his contract or reenlist? It means I should figure out how I should work my school...seriously decide whether or not to take some classes now or just wait until whatever kids we have are in school.

In this economy can we afford to get out of the military? Where at least we know we always have somewhere to live and decent health insurance for ourselves and our children...But what about deployments? ...They are inevitable.


So...anyway. 


Dear My People: I miss you. I hope you're not screwing up your lives. I wish that I could be there with you, just to talk. Just to laugh. I wish you were here to hold my hand, to read my words, to be proud of us and everything we have accomplished so far. I wish someone would tell us if they're proud of us or not.


In the mean time, I'm writing. And I will be blogging for Her War, Her Voice in the future. Since we have about 10 or more friends in the military right now (just the people from high school and college) I'll let you know if I'll be including stories about you (anonymously of course) and let you read the blog before it happens... I already have ideas. 


I'm working out. I'm painting. I'm playing with our new puppy... which makes me seriously rethink adding another child into the equation, lol.

Dear My Husband: I love you so unbelievably much. Thank you for dealing with my current neurosis and for bearing with me while I rant at you. Let's buy a piano so I can at least make pretty music while I'm venting. :)